Home,

home on the... well I am leaving prairies and going to the coast, so I'm not sure how to finish that line... I am in a bit of a slump, maybe because I am leaving home, maybe because I am comfy, maybe because I am lazy. Yet in the end moving and going to this school is what I want to do, what I have wanted to do for many years. At the beginning yes part of it was to escape my family and go out on my own and learn all sorts of things... but with my mother now gone I don't have those side reasons fueling why I am doing this anymore.

Yet I want to try this, I want to succeed in it too. Edmonton is a small place, it is a place where people can get experience and raise families and work to a certain regard at least to make a living... but I want to do more than that. I want to create and explore and live my life to its fullest, something I don't think I can do here as I am.

So as I sit in this 2 month funk, I need to pack, find a place to live, relearn my vigor for exploration that I had before. I need to sleep... I don't like sleeping as much anymore. I need to exercise and get my body back into shape - that fuels the rest of my mind and allows everything to be clearer. I need to... get ready.

I also need to spend time with those I won't see for a long time, and even in some cases see again. My University years are at a close and I am ready to focus and work, I have been forced to grow up and for that I am glad because now I can focus on my career.

I won't do it all alone though, I will need help and I need to learn how to ask... Wish me luck!

Sean.

Gamblor,

strikes again. Alright so I have a gambling problem. I would like to say say have had but I can't until I have had some time away. I easily have spent about $1000 of my money on gambling in the past month. This is a fact I am not proud of, a fact I do not wish to repeat again. I can at least say that this money is part of job earnings and not a dip into any money that was received off of life insurance, although it does negate a large section of my working time.

I think I am going to write a play about it, like how people talk out problems, I usually write them out, hopefully in an interesting way. Gamblor! As well as it's sequel Gamblor!: The Musical! will obviously be hits.

Gambling is a serious problem, and one that runs in my family along with drinking, smoking, drugs, and anything else that is bad for you. I have had dips into some of these (I like cigars, drink too much sometimes, but don't do drugs) and have learned much, this was the first time in my life I let gambling be anything more than entertainment, and it took losing big and losing my cool to realize it.

So I Sean McQuillan vow not to problem gamble, if I choose to do so, with friends or in tournaments, and never with money I cannot afford. It is easier to say then do, but I think writing a play about gambling addiction will help me get some of the thoughts out of my mind and body and onto paper and out of my system.

I am still learning lots while I am young and stupid, better now then later.

Wish me luck.

Sean.

Westward,

and coastward I go. So I a moving to Vancouver this fall, I always wanted to be moving and getting out but it is fantastic to actually have a legitimate excuse to do so - more school.

I figure I should finish this first degree (and I will) as soon as I can, but it looks like it will have to wait till next spring/summer since I will be doing Studio 58 in Vancouver. I love the city, I have had great times there, and it will be interesting to be completely on my own. I have help moving, and I have some help house hunting, but as of yet I still need a place to live once I am there.

Until then - Rubaboo is in a week! I think things are coming along but it feels as if stuff is still not quite happening, I think it's a lack of communication but I have no idea how to fix it all up. Some meetings this weekend may be necessary.

David should have me a script (CMON ALREADY) soon, and then we can start work on his one man show for the fringe, also I should be receiving a form of rehearsal schedule for Berlin Blues so I know what the hell is going on.

Canada Day is a ways way but I am still trying to decide between staying home or going to Ottawa, could go well either way.

Got lots to work on - Wish me luck!

Sean.

Once,

more with feeling.  I love little overused phrases. 

So yesterday was good for me in many ways. I let out a lot more as the day progressed about all the tension I have kept up then I have in a long time. I am happy, but I am different. I don't know if it's a bad different, actually I am sure it is a good different - just adjusting to it is something that will take some time. I am thankful to everyone who has been a part of my life, I am still learning from each of you and I am fortunate that many of those around me are as good as they are. I still have much to reconnect with, but I have a mini-vacation next week in Vancouver, maybe that will clear some things up. 

Rubaboo is under way, I am a tad behind in its work but I am actually getting really excited as things are coming under way. I need to get in the venue asap and workout some more people that will join in on the project but overall this is a good experience.

David should be done the script soon, which is good because I have until Sunday to fill out the tech form for the show: Second-Hand Sneakers & The Hundred Kilometer Hump.

I am actually interested to hear back from some schools, I need to figure out what I am doing with myself next year... I have much I wish to do. As always Wish me Luck. 

Sean.

The,

smell of coffee and the sound of Opera go beautifully together. I have seen some Opera before and I have to say, nothing is quite like watching it being performed 5 feet in front of you. Directing Opera is completely different as well, a lot of crowd control and "because I say you should" going on but hopefully never without good reason. La Traviata's preview is tonight, opening on Saturday; along with that is Stray's opening tomorrow and much work for Rubaboo. So I find myself practically swamped until May - yet I find myself very happy. Aside from the usual cold and the lack of sleep I am doing almost unusually well, and I really want to keep on doing lots of work. I am far behind though in much, Monday's audition being one of them (haven't even started prep) - yet at the same time I am not afraid or worried.

I am more confident in myself and my abilities and if I don't get everything perfect now... it doesn't matter so much, I have many ways to reach a goal there should be no reason to stress or let myself get strung out. I feel very chill and at the same time motivated - it is a balance that I don't think I have experienced in a long time.

I also started a twitter - just to see if it's worth it. So far I deem it entertaining but overall useless (at least until I get a bajillion followers) http://twitter.com/luckysean

Wish me luck.

Sean.

April,

Fool. Well now it is technically April 2nd and it took me most of the day to realize that it was in fact April and even longer that it was April Fools. Some good jokes, no pranks, that's past me. Lots of things are, I have had an interesting past week. I went to Vegas - whoo - and spent a couple days on a boat Ala The Lonely Island.  It was a nice vacation, I relaxed, I partied, I unwound, and most of all I just realized that I can live and survive anywhere in this world just as who I am as a person alone. I would for sure love to go back to Vegas, and I for sure will be doing far far more traveling in the future - I would like to see a majority of the world. 

It was good to return to Edmonton, but I don't know if it is my home anymore, I don't know if I have a real home anymore and I am ok with that. I am thankful for the family I do have however and am sure that no matter what happens they are there for me. I am not afraid however of being on my own and making my own way - I in fact plan on doing such in the near future. 

I am thankfully getting back into theatre, in many many ways. Directing, working on collaborations, and being asked to act in a few productions, it just feels good again... and yet it feels better.

I am more honest now in the past three months with perfect strangers then I was with the people closest to me. I have nothing to hide, I don't care if I am perfect, and I don't have to impress anyone. I just can be, I can experience, I can live. I truly wish I was here earlier in life especially before the bad experiences of the previous months, however if not for them I do not know if I would be in this place. 

I feel recharged. I feel empowered. I know I can accomplish tasks now that before would seem daunting or impossible. Instead I look forward to challenges, I look forward to writing and using my time to get things done. I am not fully there but slowly I see myself becoming more connected to my art, to becoming more devoted and allowing it to absorb a large portion of my life. It will not be easy but it is what I want, and I will succeed within it.

To those who knew me before and those who know me anew now, speak with me, learn of this change and learn who I really am. It isn't perfect but it is good, and it will get better. I have much to do and will be updating it again. I feel great, but nothing is ever easy so as always... Wish me Luck.

Sean.

One,

Hundred posts, and nearly nine hundred days of my life are catalogued here. Looking back on the past 99 posts has brought back many memories. 

I was called Satan by a professor that I now admire and am thankful to for giving me a swift kick in the ass.

 I talked about how in theatre one must be broken down first to be able to achieve the ability to properly express ones emotions, and now having been through so much only now am I getting that. 

I had reached the halfway point in 2007, that is nearly two years ago, and only now am I writing more often and  frequently again. 

I had my first running away from a fight. 

I ran in an election.

I did over a dozen shows.

I dated Tara.

My mother got sick. 

I became someone different. Someone who wasn't entirely there, and only reflected a shell of who I am as a person. This led to months of floating in what was more than likely self pity. 

Then my mother passed away. 

It's still fresh and still lingers in my mind. Yet it combined with many things has forced me awake in a way I never thought I would have to endure. I don't know what was going on through my mind or if anything was at all during the months leading to my mothers passing, but now looking back I have learned and experienced much from it. 

I have been broken down, like a good acting program life has been able to break me down emotionally. I have gone through more emotions in the past two months then I probably have in my entire life. The most interesting thing from all this, is that it is good. 

I know I don't have to be perfect, I have told people my honest opinions far more lately, and I don't take shit from those who have for so long attempted to walk over me. I can say peoples faults, knowing them and naming them does not make me a bad person, it only makes me aware, and allowes me to fix whatever problems arise from this. 

I can be selfish, I for so long have worried so much for others that it has caused me to lash out in strange ways. I am allowed to think about what is best for me and do it, not by stepping over others, but by taking into consideration what is best for me before another. 

Everything is a section of time. This past year was a section of time where I became something that wasn't completely who I am as a person. I let myself use a front to believe that I was whole when the whole time I was hurting, and I didn't know how to express it to anyone, not even those who matter most to me. That section of time has past, and now I am stepping forward into a new one where I take this experience and become anew from it.

I want to go somewhere, somewhere else from this place. Not because I hate it here or that I want to escape. To gain perspective, to find out which of my emotions are true and which are false. I will return occasionally and I will keep in touch with those I care about, but I will go somewhere new and work towards my goals in life. 

I will be 23 at the end of this semester, be it with a degree or without. Regardless of any outcome I will continue on and pursue what I want from life. I hope I don't lose in touch with many, as some people here have changed my life and probably will continue to in the future. I do still love people, just now I know that I don't have to love all people all the time. 

I will need help, I will need friends, I will need my family. Yet I am now for the first time truly emotionally independent. At first I thought it was that I was emotionally alone, and that was painful to endure. Yet now as I have recollected myself I realize I can be emotionally independent and still rely on others, still seek their advice, compassion and help, without sacrificing my own thoughts and ideas. I don't want to lose anyone important in my life, and I will do so by being there for them when they need it, as that is what true friends do. 

I will do some things that are needed by me, I will work on these stupid school projects, I will help with a campaign, I will plan an event here and there. Yet only if I get the resolve to stand up and do things for me. This weekend I will send out many applications, I cannot just not try at all, I need to at least have my doors open. I will go where I want and do what feels right in my life. 

I have once again even seen my father, which strangely I haven't talked to since the start of this blog. He is a survivor, and if there is one trait of his I want it is that. I will survive and continue on to make a difference in the world, I will succeed in what I want from life, I will experience life, I will not contentedly stay and life what is laid out for me. I will forge my own path and do something different, just stay in touch, because I never want to lose what I have here as well. Wish me luck.

Sean.