Gathering,

together my knowledge of the past three years. So I had two auditions the past two days. Oddly the one I was more worried about went super well, and the one I wasn't worried about at all didn't. So what did I learn? Well thankfully Jane Heyman was one of the people in the room today and thankfully I screwed up the exact same way for her as I did for my auditions for The Crucible. Everything was good, I was just too big for the room, for the moment, for the piece. I can do anything, but my default is to overcompensate. I sure as hell am doing this piece again, but I need to start where I end up - which I did do yesterday, but today I let boredom and nerves take it's place (waiting for two hours is annoying.) This was a quick practical stab at - "hey Sean you know better than this" and I am really glad I had it.

Fourplay is starting rehearsals next week, and I need to get going on my Solo Show. I have been distracted, but there is a list of things that take precedence over the upcoming month and a half. I am not as focused as I need to be and to change that is to sleep and put myself outside of the house, as being in it has a cavalcade of distractions. I am very concerned about the future but I don't really change anything in the now. Vancouver has a very tomorrow I'll change vibe to it which has infected me. I am not sure if it is the place for me but I will work toward doing work here for a while and see where it takes me. The lessons this place has taught me are invaluable, but I am open to going wherever I need to get work. I can do the work, auditions are a bitch though - and something I need to overcome. But I still have much practice left, more monologues to learn and many chances to show and change how I do things. I am gathering these skills and toning them before I leave, so that when I do, I can take anything that's thrown at me. Wish me luck.

Sean.

Thus,

opened Caesar. Caesar has taught me a lot about humility, and has given me great respect for Scott Bellis as a human being. My little notepad that houses all my notes took more than a few on Scott's ability and mindset to directing Shakespeare and it is something I will revisit later in life. This has been a quick jaunt into February, and the fact that my months here at Studio are dwindling has become more and more prevalent in the past couple of days.

I just finished writing a letter in anger. My voice class brought up some things that I needed to get off my chest, wither or not I will share these with anyone, or bring up any of it in my last midterm talk in two weeks is yet to be seen. My time here has been very good for me, but it hasn't been without its stormy weather. Despite it being an acting school I do not express myself, I withhold and when I actually do let myself out it is in such an uncrafted way that I make a fool of myself or say things I don't fully actualize or mean. This is been a big learning step, but to be where I want I still have quite a bit to go. I need to realize that perhaps not all of what I wanted to accomplish at my time here at Studio will be accomplished. One place can't be everything, it has been a great start, but, alas, it has not been everything I have wanted it to be.

I need to push myself, as no one else will do it for me. I have two auditions next week and hace quite a bit of work to do. I need to memorize and re-memorize some older pieces, I need to be solid in myself, and I need to write my solo show. Reshaping my room and getting the hell out of the house to work will help a lot. Right now I am writing in a lounge that I like to frequent for brunch, and getting out and writing has proven to be good, as I have written half a dozen pages of various degrees in the past hour I have been here.

I... I am lacking much. I know how to fill most of it, for the rest I will need some help. The best of course always being some luck. Wish me luck.

Sean.

Re,

Build. I am back in my second week after what is and seems like months away from Studio. I am in my last four months and I need to ensure that these past three years have not been for naught. I have learned much here, what I need to ensure is that I always use what I have learned and not fall back into old habits. To connect to my gut self, my swamp, I can re-live any moment of my life and cheat my way back in. I can't forget this. I need to be connected always to who I am to act with honesty and conviction at all. I fall back on my voice. I have an easy loud voice, it is my fall back. It however is not enough. Although I was feeling destroyed and separated after all that has happened in these past three years - I needed a reminder that I actually have come a ways, I actually have learned, and if I actually use it, I will become the best actor that I can become. I need to however remain conscious and always remember this - lest I half ass my way into a half assed career. Which is not what I want, and not where I am headed.

My solo show is shaping itself more and more, I will have to start with what I know and venture into the unknown. I need to paint. I need to do it to get it in my body and to find out where I am going with this piece. I learned a few things from John Lithgow's autobiography which I just completed and one of those might be a pact with the audience. I believe I will take that literally.

So 2012. A year of change. I truly hope this is so. I need some change. I need some life. I will earn it, and I will create some things that scare me. If I am given the appropriate challenges, I will achieve change for the better. I will need a little luck. Wish me luck.

Sean.

Merry,

Christmas. Well before I go to my year at a close or my year as it will be post, I come to Christmas, a strange but good time. I have always had a great affinity with Christmas, between being in choirs most of my life and it being the time of year when I could see the extended family and see my great grandmother it has been a time of recollection, relaxation, and usually determination. This is the first holiday season with both of my parents gone - but like after mom passed away I find myself with my sister and her family, among my nieces and nephew and everything seems alright. People in this world want me to succeed, they aren't out to get me, and they are there for support when I need it. Always, always, it is good to remember this, and live it. Time with my family, people that know me on a far different level than most, reminds me of this.

Hotel Bethlehem was a ton of fun. It was a wacky show that was well received and I remembered what it was like just to "do" a play. I had a role, I had an impact, and I loved it. Casting for Julius Caesar took a different turn than I had expected and hoped - but it makes sense for the group we have, and the girls leading this play will do a good job. What I need to remember and thankfully have is that this is my first time doing Julius Caesar, my first time doing a Shakespearean play - that doesn't mean it will be my last, and I know it won't. So although I have supporting roles, I will use this time to create two distinct characters, work on my health which includes my back and going to the gym, and then most of all - my solo show. Which right now I seem to be writing in micro stories. Small stories the character tells, I don't know what my overall arch is yet, or where it will end up, but I know what I want it to look like, I know who I am playing, and I know some of what I want to say.

I am coming into my last term. I want to be challenged this term, I have wanted to be challenged for a while. I realize though, much like opportunities - if they don't come to you, you must make them. So. I must challenge myself. I have a few ways I will do this, I will take risks, I won't, I won't be content with mediocrity. I need to refuel the drive that has gotten me this far and will carry me much much farther. Have a great holiday season, and wish me luck.

Sean.

First,

Snowfall. I just finished my week and a day in Edmonton. This week has been what I have needed it to be. I had a great time with my friends, I spent time with some family, and most of all I had a lot of closure. My dream that brought me to Edmonton about seeing Magic and having him die was what stirred my emotional body over my father. Then to come to Edmonton, walk Magic one last time and have him pass away the next day somehow just book ended a lot of things in my chest. Spreading my fathers ashes, and imagining it like snow across the cliff face, then the snow beginning to fall was surreal. I had a week that brought much into my mind again, and put some of my past into perspective.

I realize now how fortunate I have been in my departure to Vancouver. Although the city and I don't agree on every aspect it is something that has moved me forward, and has let me know that I have even more I want to explore. I got the idea for my solo show, it isn't me like I feared but like everything it starts from me. I start rehearsals for Hotel Bethlehem tomorrow so I won't be able to write as much as I am inspired to at the moment but I will get these ideas down before the muse runs away.

Being a part of initiations and coming back to the familiar activities and places really helped me set myself in my present being. I am now an alumnus like many of my friends, having them show up and recreate some old times from the filter of time made me happy, not regretful. And god dammit I am not old yet! and besides, being 25 is a hell of a lot better than being 18. This remembrance day which fell on the 11/11/11 was a day where I not only remembered all that has been, but all that is. From that, I am moving forward into something better. Wish me luck.

Sean.

Air,

port. I always enjoy writing in an airport. I don't know why but that moment between leaping hundreds of kilometers and landing in a place that hasn't seen your face in a long while or if ever is a great place of joy for me. I always thought about living out of a suitcase, and in many ways I am ideal for it. This in my life marks the first time I will fly with the knowledge that I am without living parents in the world. I don't know why I make these little markers but it is something that gives my life chapters as if it were a book, and as a lover of books, I can't think of a better way to think of life.

I am heading back to Edmonton for the first time during the school year in three years. While I am there I will be revamping my mind. Getting myself settled into a place where I can come back to Vancouver next week and be prepared for work. I need a little recharge, I haven't been a very good student post The Crucible. Between focusing on repairing my back pain, and just finally slowing down long enough for my body and mind to catch up with emotions that it hasn't let through since I was busy working - I haven't had much will to do anything. So I need to take care of some things, and then come back to the work I love. I already am excited for the show after the one I will be doing in December. So I need a mid-fall boost and then I will come in swinging for my next show and the auditions in December.

As for my solo show, I have thrown out everything. Where I will be when I return will determine what kind of show I will write. I think the best starting place, is to challenge myself. I am the lone genetic pairing of my father and mother on this planet. I carry in me both of them, for better and for worse. What makes me unique will be my decisions. My first decision, is always to trust my gut. Wish me luck.

Sean.

Back,

pain. My back has been going in and out of pain as much as my mind has been going in and out of confusion. I have been seeing a chiropractor about the back, about the mind... well I should see someone about that as well. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want. I know some simple things. I want to work in theatre and film, I enjoy myself - as an actor as a director as a few other things as well. What I don't know is where I stand on people as whole. Maybe it's some fucked up way of dealing with loss but I feel like I have not gotten what I have wanted in a long while. I feel like I don't know how to ask for anything. I feel like I need to reboot my life. Reformat, defragment, and upgrade my ram and hard drive. I can do some of these, but the rest remains a frustrating mystery. Maybe this time off will let me achieve some minor goals to get me back on my way. In the meantime I am calling upon the power of luck - I have luck - I know I do - now I call upon it to join me once again and show me some sugar. Wish me luck.

Sean.