Occasional writings

2012-02-17T16:51:00.003-07:00

Gathering,

together my knowledge of the past three years. So I had two auditions the past two days. Oddly the one I was more worried about went super well, and the one I wasn't worried about at all didn't. So what did I learn? Well thankfully Jane Heyman was one of the people in the room today and thankfully I screwed up the exact same way for her as I did for my auditions for The Crucible. Everything was good, I was just too big for the room, for the moment, for the piece. I can do anything, but my default is to overcompensate. I sure as hell am doing this piece again, but I need to start where I end up - which I did do yesterday, but today I let boredom and nerves take it's place (waiting for two hours is annoying.) This was a quick practical stab at - "hey Sean you know better than this" and I am really glad I had it.

Fourplay is starting rehearsals next week, and I need to get going on my Solo Show. I have been distracted, but there is a list of things that take precedence over the upcoming month and a half. I am not as focused as I need to be and to change that is to sleep and put myself outside of the house, as being in it has a cavalcade of distractions. I am very concerned about the future but I don't really change anything in the now. Vancouver has a very tomorrow I'll change vibe to it which has infected me. I am not sure if it is the place for me but I will work toward doing work here for a while and see where it takes me. The lessons this place has taught me are invaluable, but I am open to going wherever I need to get work. I can do the work, auditions are a bitch though - and something I need to overcome. But I still have much practice left, more monologues to learn and many chances to show and change how I do things. I am gathering these skills and toning them before I leave, so that when I do, I can take anything that's thrown at me. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2012-02-09T13:55:00.002-07:00

Thus,

opened Caesar. Caesar has taught me a lot about humility, and has given me great respect for Scott Bellis as a human being. My little notepad that houses all my notes took more than a few on Scott's ability and mindset to directing Shakespeare and it is something I will revisit later in life. This has been a quick jaunt into February, and the fact that my months here at Studio are dwindling has become more and more prevalent in the past couple of days.

I just finished writing a letter in anger. My voice class brought up some things that I needed to get off my chest, wither or not I will share these with anyone, or bring up any of it in my last midterm talk in two weeks is yet to be seen. My time here has been very good for me, but it hasn't been without its stormy weather. Despite it being an acting school I do not express myself, I withhold and when I actually do let myself out it is in such an uncrafted way that I make a fool of myself or say things I don't fully actualize or mean. This is been a big learning step, but to be where I want I still have quite a bit to go. I need to realize that perhaps not all of what I wanted to accomplish at my time here at Studio will be accomplished. One place can't be everything, it has been a great start, but, alas, it has not been everything I have wanted it to be.

I need to push myself, as no one else will do it for me. I have two auditions next week and hace quite a bit of work to do. I need to memorize and re-memorize some older pieces, I need to be solid in myself, and I need to write my solo show. Reshaping my room and getting the hell out of the house to work will help a lot. Right now I am writing in a lounge that I like to frequent for brunch, and getting out and writing has proven to be good, as I have written half a dozen pages of various degrees in the past hour I have been here.

I... I am lacking much. I know how to fill most of it, for the rest I will need some help. The best of course always being some luck. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2012-01-17T12:28:00.002-07:00

Re,

Build. I am back in my second week after what is and seems like months away from Studio. I am in my last four months and I need to ensure that these past three years have not been for naught. I have learned much here, what I need to ensure is that I always use what I have learned and not fall back into old habits. To connect to my gut self, my swamp, I can re-live any moment of my life and cheat my way back in. I can't forget this. I need to be connected always to who I am to act with honesty and conviction at all. I fall back on my voice. I have an easy loud voice, it is my fall back. It however is not enough. Although I was feeling destroyed and separated after all that has happened in these past three years - I needed a reminder that I actually have come a ways, I actually have learned, and if I actually use it, I will become the best actor that I can become. I need to however remain conscious and always remember this - lest I half ass my way into a half assed career. Which is not what I want, and not where I am headed.

My solo show is shaping itself more and more, I will have to start with what I know and venture into the unknown. I need to paint. I need to do it to get it in my body and to find out where I am going with this piece. I learned a few things from John Lithgow's autobiography which I just completed and one of those might be a pact with the audience. I believe I will take that literally.

So 2012. A year of change. I truly hope this is so. I need some change. I need some life. I will earn it, and I will create some things that scare me. If I am given the appropriate challenges, I will achieve change for the better. I will need a little luck. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-12-25T14:59:00.002-07:00

Merry,

Christmas. Well before I go to my year at a close or my year as it will be post, I come to Christmas, a strange but good time. I have always had a great affinity with Christmas, between being in choirs most of my life and it being the time of year when I could see the extended family and see my great grandmother it has been a time of recollection, relaxation, and usually determination. This is the first holiday season with both of my parents gone - but like after mom passed away I find myself with my sister and her family, among my nieces and nephew and everything seems alright. People in this world want me to succeed, they aren't out to get me, and they are there for support when I need it. Always, always, it is good to remember this, and live it. Time with my family, people that know me on a far different level than most, reminds me of this.

Hotel Bethlehem was a ton of fun. It was a wacky show that was well received and I remembered what it was like just to "do" a play. I had a role, I had an impact, and I loved it. Casting for Julius Caesar took a different turn than I had expected and hoped - but it makes sense for the group we have, and the girls leading this play will do a good job. What I need to remember and thankfully have is that this is my first time doing Julius Caesar, my first time doing a Shakespearean play - that doesn't mean it will be my last, and I know it won't. So although I have supporting roles, I will use this time to create two distinct characters, work on my health which includes my back and going to the gym, and then most of all - my solo show. Which right now I seem to be writing in micro stories. Small stories the character tells, I don't know what my overall arch is yet, or where it will end up, but I know what I want it to look like, I know who I am playing, and I know some of what I want to say.

I am coming into my last term. I want to be challenged this term, I have wanted to be challenged for a while. I realize though, much like opportunities - if they don't come to you, you must make them. So. I must challenge myself. I have a few ways I will do this, I will take risks, I won't, I won't be content with mediocrity. I need to refuel the drive that has gotten me this far and will carry me much much farther. Have a great holiday season, and wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-11-13T20:17:00.003-07:00

First,

Snowfall. I just finished my week and a day in Edmonton. This week has been what I have needed it to be. I had a great time with my friends, I spent time with some family, and most of all I had a lot of closure. My dream that brought me to Edmonton about seeing Magic and having him die was what stirred my emotional body over my father. Then to come to Edmonton, walk Magic one last time and have him pass away the next day somehow just book ended a lot of things in my chest. Spreading my fathers ashes, and imagining it like snow across the cliff face, then the snow beginning to fall was surreal. I had a week that brought much into my mind again, and put some of my past into perspective.

I realize now how fortunate I have been in my departure to Vancouver. Although the city and I don't agree on every aspect it is something that has moved me forward, and has let me know that I have even more I want to explore. I got the idea for my solo show, it isn't me like I feared but like everything it starts from me. I start rehearsals for Hotel Bethlehem tomorrow so I won't be able to write as much as I am inspired to at the moment but I will get these ideas down before the muse runs away.

Being a part of initiations and coming back to the familiar activities and places really helped me set myself in my present being. I am now an alumnus like many of my friends, having them show up and recreate some old times from the filter of time made me happy, not regretful. And god dammit I am not old yet! and besides, being 25 is a hell of a lot better than being 18. This remembrance day which fell on the 11/11/11 was a day where I not only remembered all that has been, but all that is. From that, I am moving forward into something better. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-11-05T13:11:00.002-06:00

Air,

port. I always enjoy writing in an airport. I don't know why but that moment between leaping hundreds of kilometers and landing in a place that hasn't seen your face in a long while or if ever is a great place of joy for me. I always thought about living out of a suitcase, and in many ways I am ideal for it. This in my life marks the first time I will fly with the knowledge that I am without living parents in the world. I don't know why I make these little markers but it is something that gives my life chapters as if it were a book, and as a lover of books, I can't think of a better way to think of life.

I am heading back to Edmonton for the first time during the school year in three years. While I am there I will be revamping my mind. Getting myself settled into a place where I can come back to Vancouver next week and be prepared for work. I need a little recharge, I haven't been a very good student post The Crucible. Between focusing on repairing my back pain, and just finally slowing down long enough for my body and mind to catch up with emotions that it hasn't let through since I was busy working - I haven't had much will to do anything. So I need to take care of some things, and then come back to the work I love. I already am excited for the show after the one I will be doing in December. So I need a mid-fall boost and then I will come in swinging for my next show and the auditions in December.

As for my solo show, I have thrown out everything. Where I will be when I return will determine what kind of show I will write. I think the best starting place, is to challenge myself. I am the lone genetic pairing of my father and mother on this planet. I carry in me both of them, for better and for worse. What makes me unique will be my decisions. My first decision, is always to trust my gut. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-10-21T01:53:00.002-06:00

Back,

pain. My back has been going in and out of pain as much as my mind has been going in and out of confusion. I have been seeing a chiropractor about the back, about the mind... well I should see someone about that as well. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want. I know some simple things. I want to work in theatre and film, I enjoy myself - as an actor as a director as a few other things as well. What I don't know is where I stand on people as whole. Maybe it's some fucked up way of dealing with loss but I feel like I have not gotten what I have wanted in a long while. I feel like I don't know how to ask for anything. I feel like I need to reboot my life. Reformat, defragment, and upgrade my ram and hard drive. I can do some of these, but the rest remains a frustrating mystery. Maybe this time off will let me achieve some minor goals to get me back on my way. In the meantime I am calling upon the power of luck - I have luck - I know I do - now I call upon it to join me once again and show me some sugar. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-09-24T14:28:00.003-06:00

Francis,

Nurse and otherwise. I have not let myself have the time to write since my father passed away. I have been powering through the first weeks and now it seems month of school and life since my return to Vancouver. I returned on the Sunday the 28th to hear my father had been moved to the hospital, he had finally resigned his home death decision after Ellen could no longer look after him. I knew my grandmother was with him for a while Monday morning, he wasn't conscious but they held the phone to him and I said a few more words even after our goodbye when I was in Edmonton. Then later that day I went for sushi before heading to taekwondo, and in the bathroom I got a phone call from the doctor letting me know my father had passed away. I called my sister, we talked, I called my grandmother, we talked, and then I went to taekwondo. I needed that short physical release, that moment of moving meditation, and yet even with it my mind didn't proceed forward - it sat in a form of stasis.

It's been now over three weeks. I have had moments of sadness, and realizations, but I haven't really dealt with much of anything. Then there is the play - The Crucible. I love this play, I had done this exact play 10 years prior. I knew it, but I wasn't in any shape to really be... well to be in a room, nonetheless in a play and so my audition went rather less well than I had hoped. Despite this, I still got a role that has been a great challenge and a great joy. I am playing Francis Nurse, and embodying a character so different for me is something I really have neglected to do because I have been fearful of failure. So, it has been a blessing in disguise that has taught me so much about acting - which I will return to in another post.

About three or four days into the rehearsal, I don't know why I didn't notice it before - Francis, the character I am playing, has the same name as my father. Francis McQuillan. My dad mostly went by Frank, so I too thought of him as Frank, or as dad, so it never hit me until much later that he had the same name. It doesn't necessarily mean anything, but for some reason I cannot completely dismiss i t. I am living the life of someone so different from me, and it is a gift. I am living my life, doing what I want in it, and it is a gift. A gift paid for through the sacrifice my mother and father made simply by showing me what I do not want from life. I do not want to live my life for money, I do not want to live it addicted to substance, I do not want to work for nothing, I do not want to life unsatisfied. My parents on the most part, led lives out of necessity rather than purpose or goals or desires. They had those, but they were defeated. I grew up with defeated parents. My mother tried again and again, but my father... dad he in many ways gave up. He waited for some change instead of making it happen and it never did and that is so... well tragic isn't right, it is wasteful. It sounds so cruel and so harsh and that is not how I mean it but he didn't live for much, and when I subconsciously understood this because I didn't have the words then it put so much on me, as I was one of those few things he lived for. I was one of the few immediate people he had in his life, his accomplishment, his something that would continue once he was gone.

So as I sat with him for the few weeks I had, most of what we talked on was where I would go, what I would do, to put his heart and mind at ease that some good came out of him. And it did, it really really did, my dad was not a bad man, he was smart and fiercely full of pride and wit, he had a sense of the world in a way that most would ignore but he took it all in, and what's more is he remembered it, all of it, everything. My dad said his mind wasn't what it used to be since the cancer got worse but he was all there, he was caught up in his thoughts and tried to make peace with the world that had slapped him around time and time again and he had one last drink with his son who would go on to do something, anything, more than he could because by god even though he gave up hope he knew somehow that I never would and never will. I cannot live without passion, for when I no longer feel passion that is when I will be dead. I like my father on the exterior can seem cool and calculated and reserved, speaking when I know it will be received and holding to observe others. I however have my moms passion, her undaunted personality that never apologized and just was, who would explode at the drop of a pin and then be smiles and sunshine a second later when she found out she got her way. I don't know what that makes me, but I am thankful to both of them for gifting me with this. I am lost. I am so very confused. I feel like I used to think like a river and now I am but brooks and streams - I still don't know how to let go. I don't know how to remove this weight in my sternum, in my heart, in my chest. I will learn. And despite this confusion, I am learning, I am growing, my passion hasn't stopped, and I love what I do. This play will breath new life into me, a different kind of life, and when I finally let go and breath like a river I will be whole again.

Wish me luck.

Sean.

Dad

2011-08-20T03:21:00.001-06:00

Father,

And son. I have said goodbye to my father for the last time. It's strange knowing this, so finite, so complete. There was a stretch in my life where I didn't know if my dad was alive or dead and any of those times could have been the last - but I told myself no. Not yet. This time though, I know it is the last time and I know he does as well.

Life has been cruel to my parents, they lived unfulfilled lives in many ways. I know they both reached moments where ambition and passion died and in it's stead grew bitterness and regrets. I know for every bit they lost, I somehow gained the resolve to not let the same happen to me. If nothing else comes from their lives than me and my sister, then I will live my life fully for all the time that they could not.

My dad doesn't have long, I have felt death on someones doorstep before and he was holding him off for just a little more time with me. In his great wisdom dad told me to run to the liquor store and find a needlessly expensive Champaign to have a drink with me. He toasted me to have a long and prosperous life. I silently toasted his honor that I'd carry with me forever. This long goodbye has been an experience. I count myself lucky to have it, not everyone can say they have done as I have with their parents last days. Despite soon becoming an orphan and being all that exists of the combination of my mother and father on this earth, I am glad to have had the time I did with both of them before they died.

My father has always been a fiercely intelligent man, and he told me that even so he never had the courage to choose a life he wanted to live. He wants me to do what I want to do in life because he never took that risk - a risk that makes life worth living for. I just want to tell stories, his included, and if I can do him justice then it would be worth it. If I allow myself happiness then it really would be worth it. Pain is easy, stewing in sorrow is comforting in a gross sickly circular manner. I choose not to have that. I will not let the easy path consume me and take away what I want from life. I will life for the both of them, and for myself. I have been gifted that in the midst of all I have had taken away from me.

I feel in many ways that he is gone. But like my mother before him he is not gone without me to carry his spirit in my heart. I am resolved. I will live. As long as fate allows and as long as I can do it with intent. Big boys don't cry Sean he said, well I don't agree but I do know that I am a man. And a man cries in loss, in joy, and in for love. Here I cry for all of them. And I make a toast to my father, for giving me the courage to deside I can. Every son must bury their father, I raise him up faults and all for shaping me into who I am today. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-08-05T23:14:00.003-06:00

Hurry,

she said. I don't know why but I feel as if he is already gone and I haven't even left Vancouver. It scares me, when an 87 year old woman who lives upstairs calls downstairs for my father and there is no reply. Maybe he is sleeping, maybe not. It scares me. She can't make it down stairs so she can't possibly know how he is, and it frightens me. I will keep on trying, I need to hear from him before I leave. I need to know that I still have time, that I can still be with him if only for a little while. For now I am frightened.

Watching the end of Slings and Arrows doesn't help, I started that series not even a whole week ago and I finished it tonight. I love love love that kind show. That is something captures the hardships and the joy and why people do what they do to put on shows. It makes me smile, it makes me cry. But recently all I feel is anticipation, un-sureness, and a little panic. I can do this though, I can make it through - I always do.

Some good news on the front of Anton's show though - it's keeping me sane. We sold out the preview last night and as more and more is worked on until next Thursday so long as I can get butts in the seats we will have ourselves a success. I need to pack, I need to clean. I need just a touch of down time too. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-08-01T00:41:00.002-06:00

More,

weight. I have a little Giles Corey in me after re-reading The Crucible and I say that in I know not where to proceed in what must be done but to say that I can handle it. And so I say more weight, I am somehow dreading going to Edmonton even though there is nothing more in the world I want to do. It's easy when I am far away and can put things out of my mind and focus on work and other things - but to return and actualize my last days with my father isn't easy. I love the man, he's unhappy at the moment but lord knows anyone would be in his situation. I want to and will be there for him, and I will be strong as I always am. But this moment, this time before the time for me is the hardest. It's that precipice where one can choose affirmative or negative towards a coarse of action, where one could run and hide, or face it head on. I have no choice, I would never ever choose the former, instead I will face all life deals head on, no matter how hard it is. And so I say more weight, for right now that's what I feel.

That aside, work on FLOP! is going well and I hope we have a great run in Edmonton and a great initial show here in Vancouver on the 4th. The more people we have the better and so I am doing my best to work on that. Selera and the Temple of Zoom will be fine without me, I threw out my back and can barely do anything this week anyway and everything runs well without me. I know some things I want to do in the future because of these two projects and possibly what I will do in the following summer, but for now I have life to deal with. Then I have Studio as well, I was not entirely happy with the season initially but now after some revisiting I think there is great opportunity here for me, so I hope upon my return I can come back into it with full strength and passion as I have had in the past.

This is my last week in Vancouver for while, although I have been mostly alone I haven't been completely alone and that has given me some new joy to this place. I will actually miss Vancouver as I feel it is my home at this point in my life. So soon I leave home for an old home, and make some memories in that place that holds so much of my life. Fondness, regret, love, laughter, and experience. One more experience to that. But not just yet. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-07-03T23:50:00.002-06:00

Sweet,

Chili. I feel as if I am consciously choosing what to remember. I choose to remember making sweet chili this weekend. I never got the walk I wanted, and I know the walk I want will be alone when I do it. Alone but full of memories. It's strange that when asked to go to a place from my childhood in sense memory I recall that stretch along the river valley so clearly. I haven't seen it in years, and I won't until after my dad is gone. I wonder if the chips in the sidewalk on the way there still have shapes that look like ships from Star Wars. I wonder if the bench at the end hasn't completely eroded. I wonder if it will feel like I'm not alone when I go back there.

I asked dad if there was anything I could do for him, not really. Then I asked if there was anything I could do in my life for him. There was along pause. He said just make me proud, and I don't think there is anyway you can't. We didn't talk about it much. We talked a bit about the past, we laughed, and we cried, but only once and quickly wiping the tears away as that wasn't the purpose of my being there. All that was needed was my being there. We didn't always talk, there was some silence and in the air hung the fact that we haven't ever just sat together saying nothing since I was a child. That we haven't had the chance just to watch TV or make a meal together in over fifteen years. There was nothing I could say. Words had no power, but just being there, just sitting down and chatting lightly while watching the news or a movie. Just knowing that we love one another, that life is cruel, that even though we had so much taken away from us over the years, that our lives were entwined with little more than shared opinions and characteristics, that it comes down to despite everything: He is my father, I am his son. Nothing will change that, and although there are years we never shared I will love him until I die. It's not much, but it's what we have.

And so I want to be there. It's all I can do, it's all I want to do. It's the hardest thing in the world being powerless, but if I can just be there, even a little bit more, I know it will make a difference in the life he has left. I love and respect my father. I know he knows that, and although words have little power, I hope I can just be there. Anyway I can. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-06-14T19:08:00.002-06:00

Once,

again. I had every intention of posting in this earlier in the summer. I have had not a bad go of it so far, I turned 25 - I am a quarter of a century and at what science used to describe as my physical peak. Not feeling like that at all I started up doing martial arts again in my life - it's strange starting from nothing again but like the whole acting thing when you know nothing you can learn the most. Been helping create a kids show, which is called Selera and the Temple of Zoom and although a lot of the busy work is hard and arduous, in the end I know this will be fun and worth every one of these long days.

That's what I am doing. What I am feeling is completely different. So my father has pancreatic cancer. This of course was discovered quite late as my dad isn't the type to ever, ever go to the hospital - and only after a liver failure that caused his abdomen to swell did he go to a hospital and figure this out. He's been in there since and is arranging what to do with the cross cancer and will start all of that. I know my dads a tough guy. I know he'll do all in his power to keep on kicking even though he doesn't always feel like life's worth living. I just don't want him to die unhappy.

If this gets serious fast I need to be with him. He feels like I am all he has in the whole world, and he's my dad, despite any problems I love him. He has had so little joy in the past years that if he were to die now he would be in turmoil. If this is bad, I need to do something for him, I need to make him happy while he still can be. With Mom, it was little things, heritage days, reading, cuddling to movies. Comfort that we had shared across my whole life with her. With dad all I can think of is our walks. Our walks and talks about life in the river valley. If I can do that with him... it's all I want. I don't want my dad to die sad. I want him to know he is loved. I have to play this by ear. I didn't even have a whole year with my mom. Maybe dad might have a few years. As I learn more I will decide what I need to do, but once again here I am. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-03-29T14:47:00.003-06:00

Gasping,

for air. I had a great vocal coaching today which opened up a lot of breathing habits I've had since childhood. I grew up with asthma, like a lot of kids, I had a particularly bad case and spent a lot of time in the hospital, with masks for medicine and more. I was told when I breathed, to breath deep and hold it in sot he medicine worked better, and it did and it's great because I am healthier now. But all that said and done - now I breath in a way that limits my ability to be present and to have impulse. So now I am consciously observing how I breath to make sure I breath properly in an unconscious way.

I am surprised how much my breath has an influence on how I feel. I used the word less "depressed" to describe how I felt when I was breathing easier, without forcing the in breath. and I realized it was part of my recent latent depression mentally. I have been letting it get to me over time in a way that has been unhealthy. Breath is everything in life, it holds our spirit and being, so how we do it, effects who we are. There is no wrong way, but there are ways to make it easier and simpler. Dale suggested a breath movement class, I think I might.

Breathing aside. 1984 is going well, we had some mishaps at the start but it feels so good to be running a show. I miss this feeling of doing the work, however now I am beginning to do it with a different mindset, I am more disciplined in warming up, in being present, and in still discovering within my confines. I can't wait to get some meat to chew into for next season, I need challenge, but first I need some reconfiguring. Some downtime and some work. First the show though, then we'll see how things go. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-03-17T13:26:00.002-06:00

Move,

along. Well here I am on St.Patricks day, and I had a voice class today in what feels like forever and I find myself almost whole. I forget the little things, the things that are there, that are in me, that let me be me - the work - when I do it, brings all of that out. The trick is, when I do it. I wait for someone to tell me to, I wait for things to happen, I haven't been making them happen like I did in the past. I usually was the one to make a change, to lead, to pursue, and now I observe and fade. This isn't an all of a sudden, or even a completely gradual process. It is a steady veil and unveil that has had me tricked into thinking it wasn't happening whilst it was.

I am doing the work, and more of it every day thankfully, I do need to be reminded though of why I do it. Stupid things, money, time, and other quantifiable things in life get in the way sometimes, because they are the means to my end, but have sometimes become the end instead of the means. I need to trust it will be alright, that I will find solutions to my problems as I do, and instead of letting those things bother me, I should get inspired to tell stories like I was in the beginning. I am learning more and more ways to do this, more and more angles and perspectives, and more and more faculties in myself that I can use. I have no doubts in that one bit whatsoever.

I however have not let the leader in me out, and I need to, to make a difference, to make a change like I yearn for. This term in Studio has basically condensed a path my life could take post graduation. A path that is inconsistent, needing of patience, and lacking in self fulfilment. This is a very real possibility. However I do not wish it so, so it will not be so. I do not wish for this to me how things happen, so I will work so passionately to ensure it isn't so. This summer I have some things I need to do: Make money to survive, make art to survive, make decisions to survive. These all will influence how I come into my final year. I will make that year strong, I will make that year everything I need it to be. I yearn to be whom I know I am, I yearn to be fully Sean.

My glimpses into who I was in the past and who I am now are slowly blurring into a singular vision. It is not near complete but if I carry a soft focus the two of them meet in a surprising way. I have fallen to get up, I have lost to appreciate what is earned, I have stayed silent so I can know when I can speak. Soon it is my time to speak. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-03-15T12:04:00.002-06:00

Heavy,

Rain. I haven't started playing that game yet, though a few of my friends now have and it looks so so good. The rain I am referring to was last nights rain. I have been having trouble sleeping for quite some time, thinking, stewing regrets and decisions, and it keeps me awake at night. Last night however when my mind was wandering, I just suddenly stopped and listened to the rain falling on the roof. In Vancouver the rain usually isn't heavy enough to even produce sound, but last night it was - I just stopped all thought and listened to the rain. It put me to sleep, a sleep I have needed for a long long time. I forget the things in life that matter most are free - I have been caught up in pursuits of so many materialistic and nonsensical things that I forget why I do what I do - and that's to be happy.

So we are a week and a half from opening for 1984 at the Cultch, working with Ron has been fun and even though it has been mostly ensemble work, I feel I can do work within my limitations. I look forward to the summer, to work, to Vegas, to fringe, to... more. I am hungry for change but I need to be patient for it as well. What I need to do is to do my work within what I have, prep finals, find a play to work on, etc. I holed myself up in my room all day yesterday, and although strangely satisfying it also actualized what I am doing to myself recently. I don't even talk to Stephen and Leslie and they live in the same house. I need to change much of this, but I have little desire to do so. I need to either solve my minds preoccupations or just accept my current limitations or otherwise I will end up in a worse place then I am at the moment. I must start now. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-02-21T21:39:00.002-07:00

Escape,

if you like Pina Coladas and going for walks in the rain. That's the play I should be writing right now but instead am stuck on my solo show (which is due farther away then the play but I currently have more material for) and stuck in general. I feel a pain in my chest for stupid decisions and for being lost at the moment. I was hating on myself and life much of today feel that still resonating in my body.

But then I saw Itai Erdal's, How to Disappear Completely this evening. Which is a story about how his mother passed away from cancer and about who she was and is and about life in general. It made my problems not less real but more perspective and the REAL me doesn't really care about them at the moment just he me I am now. It also allowed me to see so many parallels in his mothers journey to my mothers journey. They were early similar and I am glad Itai shared the story. I will see it again if rehearsal schedule allows - the only reason I went today is because it looks like it might not.

Which brings me to 1984 which we start rehearsals for tomorrow. I need this, I need to be busy again be cause I am going mad to a certain degree. My reckless mind and actions are catching up to me and if I don't start busying myself I will hate my life in catastrophic emo proportions. So this is good, first the show this evening, and soon the show I will be doing will keep me in check.

As for everything else I need a good burst of luck and passion. I feel vague and tired and lost. I miss my enthusiasm that got me here in the first place and I think I am losing it or at least not feeding it as much as I can and should. There still is so much I want to do. I just may need to redirect certain aspects of my life to make sure I can.

Also I really love you mom. I miss you a ton and I wish you were around to give me a good smack to the head some days. I don't know who I would have been without you and I thank you for all you have given me. Please continue to look after me. I need it. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2011-02-08T12:55:00.003-07:00

Time,

warp. In the complete juxtaposition of all that has been Studio 58 I find myself for the past month and a few more weeks with a large amount of free time. Although initially I figured this would be a good thing, I have now realized how important it is for me to create my own work when none is given to me. Though saying is so much easier than doing.

La Marea was a great experience, I have never felt so at ease at approaching a project before while still being professional. I came in, did my work both in rehearsal and at home and came back each day with new offers until I achieved the desired effect and more. I feel this is my work in the end, to do what is needed, and more, and discover new things every day until the work is abandoned - as it is never truly finished. Working with people whom know nothing of me and being able to make a great impression made concrete what training I have received here thus far. It also gave me a confidence in my abilities to come to any task and tackle it regardless of what it is.

That however was a few weeks ago, and now I stand at a point where I am doing classes and playing video games to little or no consequence. Which has caused me some unnecessary tension through a lack of purpose. So much like from Avenue Q (which I saw last week!!!!) I must make my own purpose, and now have some short term and long term goals to achieve.

I want to work on monologues, regardless of if I can use them in class or not, for my own sake, and for future use. I want to lose weight, through healthy eating and general exercise, nothing crazy but having a nicer body for Vegas in April wouldn't hurt. I want to write - at the moment I have a lot of material for my solo show, but I need to revisit and start working on my other script as consistently as possible - accepting that I may just need to throw some of it away as it comes up.

So for now, I need to get some creativeness flowing and get my body moving, because that I feel will be the best for me. Let's see how that works out. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-12-16T02:23:00.003-07:00

To(two),

Mom. Two years ago today I saw your soul leave your body and go where we know not where. I know you are with me far more then I even recognize and I want to thank you for that. I have kept so much in to stay strong through what has been one of the most challenging things in my life, it kept me at an arms length with all of myself but if I didn't I don't know if I would have survived.

I miss you so much, but right now you would be so proud of me. Because for once I am proud of me. You gave me strength and encouragement when I would beat myself up and be my own worst enemy but now I'm beginning to actually like me and my work - and it will only get better. You always said that you were proud of me, no matter what. I didn't listen to the "me" part of that, I made myself out to be something that wasn't fully myself and only now am I listening to me. The me you were proud of and saw even when I didn't.

I miss little things. I miss watching movies on TV with you. I miss lying down next to you and talking for as long as I needed. I even fucking miss getting you a cup of tea every single day. I love how you commented on the world, almost as if you had an audience, I never realized I got that from you and I shouldn't hold it in so much. You were yourself so much, so much that it pissed some people off, but you just stuck to your guns and were honest in that regard. I want to be like that so much and remembering you now helps.

I love you so much that I don't know how to love anything at all anymore. I am re-learning. I forget that I am happy sometimes, but more and more every day I remember that I am doing what I love, and that you want me to be happy. I get caught up, I get lost, but I never get defeated. That I got from you. I don't think you ever would accept being defeated even if you were. I understand why you tried to kill yourself. It was pain, it was control, I get that I really do. But I will take that instead as a lesson -I plan to release control and give myself to fate and the moment as much as I can.

Mom you were right I can sing; and every time I do it's a little bit for you, because you wanted me to sing so bad. I also want to sing more, so we both win in that one. I loved situations where we both won. There was a knowing and joy that we shared when things just worked out, and it pains me to not have a connection like that with anyone in my life. I still am so very alone. But that too has been improving. Not that I ever really have been alone. It's my acceptance and awareness that I am not alone that has been improving.

I am almost ready. There are changes in my mind and body that let me know I will be at a foundation to create in the ways that I have always imagined. I settled for less for a long time and chalked it up as learning experiences but they left bad tastes in my mouth. But that's life right? You either learn from it or you don't.

I was wondering why I couldn't sleep, I have been so tired, so exhausted that my head hitting the pillow should have been enough - but after a quick nap I was tossing for over an hour till I realized it. I didn't say goodnight to you. Dates are only significant because we make them, but damn if you're gonna haunt me the least I can do is say goodnight once a year. I love you. Give me strength, confidence, honesty, and trust. I'll say hi to everyone for you. Christmas is usually a lot quieter without you around. Also no one could really match your joy for the season and arguing with everyone to make it perfect.

My stomach hurts from crying and laughing and I should probably go to bed. But I didn't forget. I never do. I love you and we'll talk again soon. Always your son.

Sean.

2010-12-12T21:49:00.003-07:00

Radio,

silence. I haven't been on here in a while, it isn't because I haven't had anything to say, it isn't because I haven't been writing in general - it's because my time has been taken up by what I love. I just had a reminder that, I do love this, acting, theatre, and how lucky I am that I can make this my life's pursuit and passion. Yes I am stressed that my tap piece needs some practice and work, yes I need to trust myself whilst doing Macbeth, yes I need to take my time while doing a monolgue - but I am aware. I have a level of awareness that a year ago I was mearly being introduced to. When Dale says ground myself, I can feel it in my body. When I am not being specific and clear in my images and argument, I know to take it back and try again. When I try to do it right, that is the only time it's wrong. This is me, how I do everything I do is a reflection of me and my experiences and the story I am telling. It changes every day, every moment, and so long as I live in it, it is always right.

Getting lost in the arguments, the stress, and the lack of a quote unquote normal life, I sometimes forget just how lucky and happy I am do be doing this. I could be back in Edmonton, without my ever growing awareness and knowledge and live a life stunted and stuck, instead of gaining a new perspective and blowing the ignorance is bliss option right out the window. I will succeed in this, the next two days are finals and I will go out there and have fun, take my training within me and leave my brain at the door and trust that my work has brought me to a point that I can go in and just do. Singing librated me in an acting way, and it took me by suprise, what suprises can I experience these next two days I don't know, but if I am not open to them being good experiences I will doom them to be bad ones.

Two years ago I said goodbye to my mother, to a lot of things that made up my life as I knew it. I will not live with regrets and sorrow over what has been lost, instead I will look to what I have now and go forward with the strength she had, the strength that is in me. I will prove myself not by reaching some pillar I make in my mind but by bringing myself and my truth and trust to my work. I am still learning, I am only nearly at 3/6th's of my Studio jounrey and though that fraction may be reduced to one half, each portion is important to me in different ways and I will not reduce it down so they are there to remind me.

I am settled, and bend up each corporal agent to this wickedly awesome feat. I am back in the game. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-10-17T15:05:00.002-06:00

From,

death, comes new beginnings. So today is the last showing of "The Park" and from it's tech until today I have gone through a rollercoster of emotions. From stress, lack of sleep, general fatigue, and my voice work in class came up a cacophony of revelations. I have been unhappy in life in everything except my work here. I have been really questioning why and a few things have been brought to my attention. I have not had my voice for while. Yet, no one else has been restricting me, I have been restricting me.

I have not had conversation in a while, everything I speak about is related in some way to my work or to whatever it is I am doing at that exact moment. Without conversation I have lost my voice, and I have started to find it again through singing, and through story telling. I restrict my bodies movements when I am speaking for some reason, when I am very alive and active in my movement - this has negatively affected my acting. The other day when beginning Tartuffe I was rigid and unmoved by words, mine or my scene partners - then I worked with my voice afterward and realized what was going on. I was holding back.

I need to find the balance. I cannot restrict myself from my full scale of voice and movement, but I cannot push. I must find the point where it is natural, free, and strong. It will not be instant but I have found it, I do know where it sits, and I will make it my default soon enough. May be a month, may be a year, but it will come, and this is trust. For now what I must do is trust myself, and take risks and chances, go to the edge of my body and its gestures. I will even have to fail, which will be great, failure is the best way to learn. I need compassion, strength, and adventure. To start however I need sleep. Which will start tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Sean.

2010-10-03T14:44:00.002-06:00

The,

Peak. Right now I am prepping for another show of The Park, which is one of the most enjoyable things I have ever had the opportunity to work on. The music is great, the show is solid, and it makes me so very glad to be here. Yet, I had some thoughts (as I often do) about where my life would be if I never came here. If I was still in Edmonton, or even if Mom were still alive. My life would not be very good, I would have finished the small remainder of my BA, probably work a couple dead end jobs, and grasp at a meager existence as an alumnus in my fraternity. Maybe I would have had the courage to move, it was what was needed, it is what has changed me for the better. But I feel almost as if parts of my life peaked back then. And this new metamorphosis is something I can't quantify (which is a good thing) and is always changing.

Despite that my life is more enriching now, that I am doing things I want to be doing instead of things I have to do. I would give it up in an instant if it meant she was alive. I logically know Mom wouldn't really want that, and would want what's best for me - but I can't help but feel that I would pay that price. Probably because I almost feel guilty that parts of my life are better now after she passed away. I am coming into my own in a very different way and in a very different environment then I was raised in. It happened for my sister and the transition while mom was around was a constant battle for her - for me there is no such thing, it is gone with the wind, and because of that... I don't know I feel dirty. I know I shouldn't I know I should be happy and I am in many ways, I just am missing something. I don't know what, and several things will take its place as time goes by. But for now I feel just slightly unwhole. The whole grow in again, this I know. For now though I am living with it. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-09-17T15:38:00.002-06:00

Almost,

easy. So I am now finishing second week here at Studio. I'm not saying it is easy by any means, but the expression that acting should be easy is starting to make sense to me. Easy as in, it shouldn't be work to produce the result, you just live it naturally and honestly and it comes. It's easy to say but very hard to actualize. It is coming along though, I am feeling much better in my acting, and slowly, in my day to day life. I think my goals for this term is to do my work, but to work easily. From tap to singing to acting, I want to do my work, but do it with an ease of confidence and professionalism. I can feel it coming, it isn't there yet but I can feel it.

I have other things in my life I probably could be focusing on as well, but instead I feel at rest and at ease with my problems. In fact, aside from minor health issues, I feel easier then I have in years. As for the health issues, I have a cardiologist now and we're doing every kind of test and analysis possible. I don't think I will need a pacemaker, but that possibility has loomed over me since birth. I hope to stave it off until my senior years, but not everything is within my control - so I'll have to wait and see.

I find I have a huge love for Voice Over work, I think I will do research and whatnot on the side in my free time - because I feel like I will want to explore this a lot more in the future. As always, Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-09-01T02:25:00.003-06:00

You'll,

have to excuse me I'm not at my best, I've been drunk for a week, I've been drunk since I left. This so called vacation will soon be my death, I'm so sick from the drink, I need home for a rest.

^ Appropriate, so I am glad I had a day in Dallas to sleep and got home 2 days prior to starting school tomorrow. Cancun was an excellent time, great memories, and I plan on going again - if not next year the year after. For me the trip was a great way to maintain some of my best friendships and to reconnect to parts of myself I don't usually express here in Vancouver. I don't think I could forget the trip if I tried - which is a miracle in itself considering how much we drank that week. I hope to do it again and possibly with the same group of friends, I don't know who else would be that much fun to travel with.

That being said my first Mexican adventure is over and my second Studio adventure is now beginning. Already I know I will be jumping into Glass Menagerie and whatever crew I end up heading tomorrow - starting all sorts of new skills and I can't wait to begin. This summer of nothing became a summer of something in ways I could never have foreseen. It makes me want to continue in my craft now far more then I ever have in the past - I want to give it my focus and my passion. There will be difficulties - mostly with juggling time, but I am ready to face them. I am going to get some sleep - I'll need wishes of health as much as I will need you to Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-08-21T22:44:00.002-06:00

Mother,

fucking Mexico! So I'm in the Los Angeles airport, at one of those crappy internet terminals with 3 hours to kill but only 5 mins on this machine left for 5$. Something about airports always gets me in a thinking and explorative mood. I wish it wasn't night and I wish I had time to explore LA, but at least I am getting familiar with the airport for next time. I will be gone for a week, if I don't come back do something awesome with my corpse and write a book about me or something. I can't wait, Mexico then school - this month got better and better as the weeks went on. I have a bunch of weird layovers, one in Mexico city itself for 5 hours - here's hoping I don't get stabbed or robbed. As always, Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-08-18T16:45:00.000-06:00

It,

just takes some time. The Middle is an appropriate name for that song as it describes how I find myself feeling most of the time, in the middle. So I had a trip to Edmonton and then to Okotoks for my sisters wedding. First the wedding – it was beautiful, fantastic. Mom would be so proud if she got to see her daughter like that – and yes Icried, but by damn can't a brother be proud of his sister? I am determined to call and speak to my family more, I was lucky in that I got to talk to each and every immediate relative personally for some time, and that was worth the trip more than anything.

Next my time in Edmonton was mixed. I loved seeing my friends and family there as well, however I revert to many old habbits when I am in that city, I drink far too much and I feel personally responsible for other peoples lives. I can't do that, I cannot live my own life if I feel responsible for other peoples choices. I am glad I am going to Mexico next week with some of my frat friends, but overall I am glad I am not part of the drama in that city anymore – even the drama in the theatre community there. It feels so petty to me, but I know I will go back there to work now and then – that and to see family and friends.

As for relationships. I have none and I am ok with that. I may not have another for a long time, because I need to focus on my life and my career – what comes comes, but I can't care anymore – I invest too much of my heart when I do, and it stops me from evolving. So that part of my life is on hold for now.

I wish I had a few days to reground myself and lose off the beer weight that I feel I have developed in a single week – but low and behold I will be putting on even more next week – class and Vancouver living will whip me back into shape hopefully – but I am more excited for school again then anything else – I am ready for the next step – and to dive in. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-08-09T09:58:00.002-06:00

Airport,

awesome. I don't know why but there is something overly satisfying about being at an airport early, eating breakfast or Dependant on the time of day having a preflight drink and sitting on my laptop makes me feel like I have that time to recollect and gather who I am before I go into another realm. Sometimes familiar, sometimes new, I love this feeling of gathering all that is me and going somewhere other then what I choose to be my norm.

Things have been going well as of late, new place, new space, it feels far more like home then my last year underneath the stairs. (Not literally but basement suites have a potteresque feel to them) Now I am on my homestretch into school and most of it I am spending away from Vancouver, with my first voyage to Edmonton today and then to Calgary for Melissa's wedding and finally to Mexico at the end of the month. Then back to magic school and see what they do with a far more stable boy then they originally were given.

I sit here and I think where my life and career will lead and for the first time I don't care. Not because I am apathetic or unconcerned, but because I do not care so long as I am happy. I know great things are in store for me in the future, and for now I am learning to be comfortable with myself. I thought of a line of dialog that I hope is not stolen but it is a take on another line and made personal. "I want to learn to love myself, for we all die alone and I wish to die among loved ones." I don't know why I thought of it but I do know that I am more comfortable with being with myself then I ever have. This is good.

I should eat breakfast, I have some shows to see and I am very excited for Melissa's wedding, mom would be very proud and gushing like an idiot if she were around to see it. I think of that and I miss her, fondly though, at least a little more then sadly. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-07-13T23:12:00.002-06:00

Square,

one. I am feeling a full system reboot. I know that I have come a long way from somewhere, but it is where I go from here that will shape me. It is where I will go from each day that shapes the journey have yet to travel so that when I look back on this years from now I know I have come a long way from somewhere. I am working it out. I am feeling. I am beginning anew.

I don't know if my decisions will be the right ones, but I do know that I am making them in the present and without the past in mind. The past has made me into what I am, but it does not make the choices for me now in the present. There is no growth without new ideas, new shapes, new connections. I love the past, I have been blessed with a good one to remember fondly and take memories from - it is rich in both love and anguish and has shaped me into a stronger person. I will never not have the past in mind, I will always hope that decisions made in it will effect my present and future positively - but I will, will not let my past consume my ability to live in the now.

I am bored. I am bored and tired of thinking of what has been in my life instead of what is in my life. I have a great journey ahead of me, part of me wants it to start now so it can consume me and make me whole again. This however is helping me learn to be happy in the unknowing, the middle, and what I can do during this time to help shape how I perform in the journeys yet to come. I cannot wait for things to happen, I must make them happen.

I have never been just filler, I have oft been the shaper of things in my life and in others - yet that has not been so in recent times. I am not an old man reliving his life and ready to die. It feels that way at times, but my life has so much more living in it. So I must create those opportunities and when it is a matter of time until those opportunities arrive, in the medium I must not wait idly like some sloth. No. I forgot what it means to be focused, to be determined, to train. I must train always, I forgot that. I lost that somewhere. I have learned to relax and let things go, but at the cost of a portion of my determination. I think I will change that. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-07-09T04:03:00.002-06:00

Summer,

something. I haven't updated in a while, this summer has been a weird train of wtf is going on with my life and myself. I got into a lulled self isolation when Stephen was away at my initial return in May, then upon Stephens return I have only half been feeling I am allowed to relax. On the plus I have been doing the grouse grind and some other physical activities that has been making me feel a hell of a lot better as of late, it isn't quite enough yet, but it sure is a start.

June was an odd month, no one in the city of Vancouver seems to be hiring and I have a sickening amount of free time that I feel unfulfilled in. My mind has been set in past mode and I am trying to figure out everything I need to step past so that when I begin my next phase of my education in school and life that I come to it with my full self and my bearings in order. I am doing well, but I need something more.

I love the city of Vancouver, being away from Edmonton is good for me, but in all reality this is the first time I have ever been left to my own devises away from the familiar. I think in the back of my mind I had just assumed the familiar was waiting for me in some form or another or in other people, but I left that behind, I left people behind and things change and move on. It occurred to me that I have gone a long while without cuddling or hugs from someone that really cares for me, and it hurts to know that at this point in my life that is absent and gone, and it cruses my heart and hollows me out in a way that I cannot describe without feeling it viscerally.

I yearn for some people in my life again. I yearn for my family and my friends. I yearn to be loved and cared for. I left that. I left that by choice.

So there is the bad. The good is, I am in a beautiful city, I am doing what I want in my life. No matter the pain and anguish I am feeling from the fallout of all that once was, the fact of the matter is that I am doing what I want to. I love what I am learning, about myself and my craft to the point that all of this is worth it. I cry and I hurt and I fear, but all I need to remember is how I feel when I am doing what I love, and is it worth it. The answer is an undeniable yes, so I need to live it.

I let my birthday pass almost unnoticed, I feel people put up with me rather then want to be with me. But I still want to do this, I still want to learn and grow and dive in head first into the shit that scares me, challenges me, and confuses me. It fulfills a different part of me that was being ignored for the majority of my life. So the trade off is one hole is dug while another is filled.

Logically I know in time things will change and I will be back to my former glory with an added new fulfillment of my passions being met. It does not however ease the pain of the current as much as I would like. I do love life, I do love so many people, I just don't feel any of it back. I talk so much to feign a strength that isn't there, I miss certain rituals like lying on my back next to someone and sharing all my worries and goals. I miss what could have been in many different places in my life.

Yet. I will not give up. I will grin and bare some of my pain until I can strengthen my resolve to quench it completely. I will remember I chose this path for my life, and that its successes and failures is where I should start basing my life instead of on the past. I live in the past because I do not wish to forget, I have had so much good in my life that now when I feel so much pain I want to remember and relive all of the good that I have had. It's a sad way to say to myself that even though now things aren't the way I wish them - they were once and possibly could be again.

When I was younger I lived for shaping my future, and through it my present was fulfilling. Now my present is hallow and I try and live in the past with a hope the future is better. Though it's a cliche I must remember that the future is now. What I do NOW shapes the opportunities for the future. I need to stop living in my yesteryears and live in what I do each day. I say this but it is hard. Because everything leads back to when Mom was alive. I don't want to forget her so much that I am having trouble living in the now, because now she is gone but then she was not.

This is my challenge, stop talking and start feeling. I need to live in now because if I don't I won't have the future or the present I desire. I will let that hallow feeling consume me until I have nothing left and am a mere shell of all that makes me. I still need to shed a lot more tears, for her and for everyone else I have left behind. I hurt because the world will not stay put while I pursue my career. I must accept the death of time, it is an abstract and doesn't exist anyway. As Rafiki says you can run from it or learn from it. In my case I am wallowing in it. Instead I need to move forward from it. I have paid for my sins. I am not a bad person who deserves this fate of wallowing in memories and letting pain get the best of me. I need to freshen up and start anew. Or at minimum be at a place where I can do that before school starts again. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-05-17T15:17:00.002-06:00

Bouffon,

the clown that loves to mock. So this weekend I did a Bouffon Clown workshop with Eric Davis the man behind Red Bastard that toured last year in the fringe. I had a great time, it is something I want to continue exploring - being able to make the audience love you, make fun of them, love you again, parody them, trick them, and ultimately applaud you even after they have been the joke the entire time is an amazing skill. Not to mention it really teaches you how to let go - the Bouffon crosses lines, he swears and insults but is honest so you trust him, it is very difficult and dangerous, and I think it will help me in my acting in general.

That aside I got back from my 10 days in Edmonton last week. I was rushed and pushed from place to place to see as many people as possible but I am glad I did get to do a few things. One I miss my friends, especially the fraternity and the few drama people I love there. Nothing has really changed in Edmonton and that for me is good to know because I want change and I am getting that here in Vancouver. Two I miss my family, it is always good to see Grandma, she is there for me so much and to see her in person is an absolute joy - that and I got to see most of my uncles but I did miss out on Aunt Janice and Uncle Jim/Aunt Linda because they live outside St.Paul.

Three I got to visit my mothers grave, on mothers day no less. When I planned my trip I had no idea that mothers day fell within those 10 days, and I was very fortunate that it did for it left me with a good time to see it. I was planning on her birthday but mothers day is enough for me at this point. I sang my Powersong but the words were different, free flow, to her about us - and it was raw and beautiful - I am glad I had that opportunity. I have far to go but I know she would already be proud of me.

Now after the workshop and getting back into my Vancouver body I find myself without a job, so now the hunt begins! I need to get some ink for my printer to fire off some resumes and then after that I think I will go around town physically - the Internet has given me some leads but I think going in myself will be best. I have much to do left this Summer on my list: Get contacts, dentist, learn some guitar, take up tap, travel and more. So lets see what I can do this week. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-05-01T13:54:00.002-06:00

Adult,

ish. So I realize now, sitting in the airport restaurant at a table for one that I am an adult. I have come to this realization before yes, but there is something cinematic about being alone at an airport writing on a laptop. I think it can categorize me into a couple of cliches but I think it also categorizes me as an adult. So here I am on the first of May, 23, turning 24 in 28 days and I think I have so much to explore.

This summer is a test, just throw me into the wind and see what happens. I need to remember to relax, it sounds simple but I am so used to being busy and working that to not do so seems almost a waste. I will do work of course, I can't help it. But I need to soften. Soften my heart, my soul, my pace. I am running too fast for a man of my pulse rate, I need to ground and relax into a state of being so that I am not on my tiptoes or floating above myself. This is my journey this summer, is being me, but being me in a state of calm. Being collected and grounded, so that I can move forward in my work with all of me.

I love how my work is to gain continued awareness, to analyze and correct. Make it simpler then I think it should be. Make it easy, natural, unhindered, and without thought. This for me is my summer work. I can learn technique and form until the cows come home but feeling it in my body every single day of my life is my continued work. I have felt it, I know I can do it. Now is the time, and it will take time, so have compassion, have courage, and if I fail, try again with a different approach. Speak to others, learn of life. This is my work. And I love it. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-04-30T04:30:00.002-06:00

Late,

night. I have been writing all night. I wrote a short monologue called Spirit Wolf this evening, along with a bursary application. I feel really productive and it is great. But at the same time - now for the great release. Studio is DONE. For this year, and thankfully I will be entering C Term in the fall. So now my summer of no plans. I am going to recharge with an Edmonton visit and come back on the hunt for work upon my return. Tomorrow will be the last day I see a ton of Studio folk until we all return in September, and although I am slightly sick of them - I will miss all of them.

Tomorrow morning, finish the application, pack for Edmonton, and cook for the pot luck. This year has been one hell of a journey. I am going to spend this summer being me to my fullest, committing in my own life. What that means I don't fully know. All I know is that I have found my actor - it's simply me - now to life like me for a while, so I don't ever forget. I have much to explore and much to say, but not now. Now sleep. Now rest. Adventures await but only if I get some sleep! Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-04-19T23:51:00.002-06:00

Power,

song. Serious good times, so much more to explore there. Finals tomorrow - full update by the end of the week. I just want to say thank you to everyone who helped me through this. Especially Mom. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-04-13T01:27:00.002-06:00

Second,

circle. For the first time in a long time, what feels like years, I am being myself again. I am feeling that same edge of confidence, passion, and yearning that I had years prior. It is not perfect again by any means but it is the first step on a long transformation of becoming the artist that resides deep in my bowels. For me the first big step is being present again.

I have always been a third circle kind of guy - push through, put on a mask, make things a-ok. I did it to the point that for those who knew me, it was my natural state. Now I know, that even though my strength and passion is returning, I cannot let that domineer my state of being and I cannot cannot let it enter my performing.

For me right now I am using the start of my Powersong Monologue to remember what second circle is, a date from my life, a fact. It is simple, it is specific, it is honest. From that place, I can go onward into anything and be me, the real me, while performing. The Importance of Being Earnest right now is very good for me - for I have the task of being grandiose and big whilst at the same time retaining that honesty and life within each moment. This is my struggle at the moment, and I love it. This is wear I get to turn off all the socially appropriate voices in my head and just go for it - play with everything, if it doesn't work I can scrap it, but just being able to try it fearlessly is exhilarating.

I am finally accepting that I do create art, that I have the skills, knowledge and passion to create dozens of forms of art. By simply creating it, it becomes so, no one else need say so. I have stories. Ideas. Dreams. All that can be expressed in a million ways through written, sung, and danced work. None of these forms are beyond my capabilities, and owning and honoring that has been most difficult. Today I moved to music, a simple idea, a struggle for me to love. Once I did however it went well - really well. I did it to the point though that it was for me and I was proud of it - so even if it wasn't well received I would have been satisfied - thankfully however it was.

A week from now I will be sleeping after performing Powersong, preparing for my finals the following morning. My journey really flourished in these past couple of weeks - now it is time to show them. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-03-31T16:33:00.002-06:00

Border

line. This is not unexpected, I know I hit a third term slump as stated in my last post, and I know where it comes from. It comes from second guessing, it comes from putting responsibility on my shoulders unnecessarily, it comes from not letting go.

I know me, I know my body, getting the talk was good for me, a physical deadline and a confirmation that what I was thinking was wrong, was actually wrong is good. I need to still let go, I need to still use me, and I have been going about it slowly, cautiously, which is part of my problem.

To let go is to do so with abandon. For fucks sakes I tore down a ceiling yesterday! Then I continued my piece, with ceiling falling around me, and you know what in that moment I owned my artistry. I didn't stop and apologize, which part of me YEARNED to do, I said NO I will continue, I will not stop, I will not apologize until I am done my work.

THIS is what I need in my acting, my ability to go in full swing and do the work and if I feel apologetic well do it AFTER the work - LIVE IN THE WORK, only then can I be successful. I have done it before, I will do it again, I will do it forever, to the edges of my ability and beyond.

I do love this, I am enough, I am not unwise, or making poor choices, I need only make a choice, make choices constantly instead of thinking about them. I have trained my whole life to think, I am smart, so stop thinking about wither or not my decisions are the right ones, because it does not matter. I need only make decisions, as my wrong ones may be the right ones, there is no right, there is no wrong, only what is natural, only what is true - that I can do, I know I can do, now I have to show them that I can.

I sat back, I watched and made decisions for too long. Stephen has even commented that I only really come out as myself in short bursts, in class, in life. I must remember, I am on a long pilgrimage, I must be me all the time, I must use me all the time, I cannot move and stop and move and stop - the constant motions forward is my only way to live. I have not been living fully for a long while.

I have felt my heart let go bit by bit, I believe the reasons I have been expecting one great release is because of the guard over it. Today after knowing what I must do I felt a shift, not the great one I want, but enough of a one to let me know it is possible and going there.

Time is short, but this merely makes me determined to let go, let go in a rush instead of a slow trickle. It will be euphoric, already I yearn to cry out some pent up pain, this weekend I will make time for myself, do my homework, and recollect for what needs to be done in the remaining time I have. I am not unconfident in my ability to do it, I know I can, so enough thinking about it already Sean, just bloody well do it! Wish me Luck.

Sean.

2010-03-22T01:03:00.002-06:00

Le,

Milieu. One month until B term finals. I am in the middle of a few processes that need to advance to make sure that I can get the most out of myself for these finals upcoming. First, I need work on all the processes that right now I am only half understanding and not fully practicing. Next I need to work on my honesty in life and in performance while maintaining my homework. Third and most important I need to have fun in this, this is fun, I do love it, IA am now however not approaching it with the passion and energy I need to be successful.

Part of that is due to the emotions and memories the work in the voice and movement classes are bringing up. It is damn important work for sure, but my immediate reaction is to shut down and put my back up against the wall internally. I am letting go, but not enough yet, I need to let go fully and let the work pass through me so I can process and continue. It's hard, if it was easy it wouldn't be worth accomplishing, this is so unique and dangerous that I know it has to be what I need, I feel like it is what I need.

A good way of letting myself back into it is to have fun as often as I can, I need to sing more, rock out, do the happy things and not live so much in my head. I am impulsive, yet despite that I still contain the majority of my impulses inside of me and filter them instead of letting what is natural come out. I am glad we have another script to work on before finals, I want to see what new things come of it, and what I can attempt to try to make it natural and fun. I also need to have fun in the current character study, my approach to it at the moment is killing any potential for success because I don't like it - well damnit Sean make it so you do like SOMETHING about it and then you can succeed and make more of it enjoyable until it kicks ass.

I want to do a tad bit of rewriting on my powersong. I may be up tomorrow and I don't quite have the words I want yet. I have ones to hold the place, but I believe there is a more specific way of explaining the journey I am having, especially in the second verse. This is going to take all of my courage if I do it right. I want to do it right, so let's see what happens. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-03-04T19:30:00.002-07:00

Young,

again? Well not exactly again, I am young, it is a fact. Yet for so long have I felt old, really old, older then my days, years, lifetime. It has sapped and drained my energy, my ambition, and my drive - only infrequently through my passion has my self inflicted geriatrics been breached. I have experienced much at my age that I really shouldn't have, but that is also a fact, nothing I can do about it but move on and be stronger from it.

I have changed my look, I don't style my hair (much) and carry myself fuller, taller, with a different kind of air. Internally I need to connect to my strengths, and use them within my acting. Today in class the only time I was able to connect was when I was defending myself, I put my back to a wall and explained plainly what it was that I meant and was doing (with a bit of anger) Katheryn told me to use it and lo' and behold my passionate farewell to Juliet was no longer woeful and self-pitying but with an underlying fire... but only for a moment. Then I slipped again and lost it - but IT EXISTS. I know it does, I need to ask myself questions every time before I get up on stage. I need to re-awaken my body and my voice. I need to realize I AM A YOUNG MAN DOING THIS. I HAVE ALL OF THIS ENERGY. That I am neglecting, in my work and my day to day life.

What happened to the Sean of three years ago? Two years ago? Even he was slightly tainted with the self-imposed age. Recently it has made me downright comatose and catatonic to the point that my life is only being partially lived. No more. I shall take steps to remedy this. I will use my voice, my hearts voice as often as I can. At first, channeling how I know how, defense. Then through all other aspects of my personality, then I can find dozens of ways to be myself while performing to the point that it comes as naturally as breathing. I am not yet even done the first year, I DO have time, I CANNOT beat myself up for it. I need to remember the good and have fun, people are most themselves when in pure joy (or pure anger.)

You're 23, yes soon to be 24, but in the grand scheme of things that is nothing. Would I call a 35 year old OLD? No, and that is more than HALF OF MY CURRENT LIFE AWAY. I am young, I am passionate, I will learn, I will succeed, and by damn I will learn to have fun again in the process. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-02-24T14:21:00.002-07:00

Stand,

in. So here I am on my little lap top between shots on the set for Tear the Curtain, learning lots and managing to sneak in a little bit of home work in between. I finished re-reading Speaker for the Dead and Xenocide in my time on set and I was curious as to why my affinity for Cards writing style engrosses me completely into the worlds he creates. At first, I assumed it was his background in theatre and the strong dialogue which enamored me - that IS a part of it, but something far simpler came to me before I went to sleep. He asks questions. I did a simple scan of a page I was reading and half a dozen question marks came up. Why does asking questions make something more interesting?

As people we learn to make sense from chaos, asking a question involves our minds ability to come to conclusions along with that of the characters. This is unbelievably important to me because I write and think with complete sentences, usually with my own conclusions to the questions I silently ask. Yet... as an actor, as a writer, I need to openly ask these questions to engross the audience to be in a state of FINDING answers instead of KNOWING answers. Even though I know the answer in my mind I need to ask and be in a state of unknown to show my journey, perhaps even to allow my mind to conclude more answers. I never realized this but I essentially have truncated my own ability to be truthful in the past, simply by skipping over the process of not knowing.

Now more then ever I have accepted by lack of knowing, but still I hold a solid state of being as it is how I have been shown to be. The state of not knowing is the general human experience, grasping, reaching for answers. Even the little things - no - especially the little things. Everything I do and say hangs on what someone else says to me, and I have no way of knowing what they say, so everything is new, everything is a surprise, and everything has to have me show my thoughts plainly, honestly, instead of hiding them in a stone figure. Is this the path to showing honesty in acting?

That aside some new things in my life have developed. Equal to a post of its own my father called me of his own volition for the first time in... I don't know, 5 years, 7, maybe more? Did he never call because of his hatred for my mother, or for his fear of me not wanting him in my life? Either way this is new, very new, and strange. I never called him to spite his decision to never pick up the phone first - then I lost all ways of contacting him and we never spoke for years, many years. He called just to talk, to see how his son was, living hundreds of miles away, not for money, not for pity but just for honest concern. I have always been the concerned one, wondering if he will make it to the next year without his habits consuming him. I would like to think that my dad will find work and or meaning again in his life - but that is his battle not mine. I do miss him though and want him to be a part of my life. So this is good, this is something I will encourage.

School is back on Monday, much to do before then, excited, yearning to head back. I feel disconnected in these short two weeks - so how do I maintain it over the four months of summer? I don't yet know, but I will learn. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-02-18T20:07:00.003-07:00

Olympics.

So here I sit for one of the few times in my life in a city where the Olympics are hosted. I gotta say - it is a unique feeling. I sadly don't have the time I would like to fully explore it, but for good reasons and reasons that have kept me busy and happy.

I am doing stand in stuff for Tear the Curtain, a film/play being put on by Electric Company Theatre that will be up in September. I am still generally quiet around everyone but I couldn't have lucked out on a better set - I have no fear or tentativeness in asking questions and everyone is very kind to one another while still being very precise and dedicated to their rolls on the set. It gives me a kind of hope of the knowledge I am obtaining and to what means I can put it towards in the future.

Back to the Olympics though - I think I need to resolve myself into exploring town more while everyone is so excited and patriotic, it is a unique shared human experience that I am learning to love. Just finished watching Canada VS Switzerland it was a great ending with a shootout win, reminds me of watching the game with the guys back home.

Been thinking about a million things lately as always. I'll comment more once my mind is collected. This first week of break though has been exciting and educational - Wish me luck!

Sean.

2010-02-04T21:44:00.002-07:00

Take,

Joy. For a long time in my life, longer then I can remember, I have been in a state of forgetfulness.What I have forgotten is how to have Joy. I found today when I go big, when I let go and be loose I have fun. This is why I love singing, it is the freest I ever ever my voice, then today with free dance after a cat form I felt it in my body. I felt it in my body for what probably is the first time since I took martial arts. I had a yearning to do martial arts again, which still remains true, however I feel that the main reason was because my body wanted to be free again - without restraint.

I have constricted myself for a long time. Vocally, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have been afraid of my heart and the ability to take action. Now in acting I feel I can begin stepping forward and going BIG - letting go, PLAYING with words and my body and living it fully - not half assedly. There has been something wrong with me, I have only let myself experience joy and elation in small doses and within certain things. Allowing it to happen in all I do is inspirational and allows me to explore new possibilities with an open mind and heart. The lines I was having trouble with in my Powersong came to me after class today, those are.

You are always on my mind
Only now I can start to find

Happyness, after years of pain

It never occurred to me that I was allowed to be happy. I was waiting for permission. I just let shit happen, and only half experienced it. I LOVE DOING THIS. Really I had a moment of realization and I said to myself look how bloody lucky and happy I am right now. Despite stress and work and emotional roller coasters I AM SO FUCKING ELATED to be doing this with my life. It is the most satisfying experience for me physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I need to let myself freely be involved in it, I am NOT AN OBSERVER. I am a participator, I DO, I ACT. I just have been so caught up in other shit that I just haven't let myself realize that yet. I love what is happening, I love where this is going, and I love struggling and screwing up all the time because it means I am learning - and learning I am.

Live it Sean, Love it. I must remember this over the break and not let it out of my body - this is the key to hitting the next plateau the next stage. That, while practicing everything else. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2010-01-22T21:44:00.002-07:00

Using,

myself. So something I have intelligently known for years has just started to hit my body. That is using myself. It first really hit me in a pantomime class, we were starting to tell a story as our narrator in pantomime and I based it around my clown Mortimer. This, was wrong. I didn't quite understand why either, pantomime seems like something my clown Mortimer would love to do! Buuuuuut, Mortimer was not the one who was supposed to tell the story, I was. So I took a huge step backwards in my body and and went... well what is Sean as a pantomime narrator? My expressions are still big, still extended and strong, but the reactions are, natural. My interaction with the audience as a story teller is, honest. Well that just makes sense.

The thing is I have been telling myself for years to "become me" or some other such bullshit as that, as I have also found out in the past there is no becoming there just is. So why do I still artificially create characters? We are doing Judith Thompson's The Crackwalker right now in class, I am playing the character Joe in a scene and well he isn't the greatest of fellas to say the least. I created what I thought was a "Joe" and just sorta went with it, but I had trouble believing myself in what I said, how I moved, and everything. I was told to go bigger and be louder in a rehearsal which had a side effect that is still reverberating in me. When I was louder and bigger I didn't have time to over think or artificially create, I just went with how my body in that character was feeling - as a result things became more natural. Though I didn't still fully understand why.

So then today I received some similar notes and one line came out of me completely natural, and when I felt it - nothing felt more right. It wasn't something I Sean would say, but the way I said it combined with who Joe is as a character produced how I Sean as Joe would say it. Add on top of that watching myself filmed, I could see every last impulse I denied and how I was being way too fucking polite for a person who is used to always getting their own way. So I sat writing in my notebook, stewing in continued realizations that my body still isn't fully comprehending while my mind is saying that I knew it all along. Yet as I have learned knowing in just the head or the body is not enough but the connection to both which brings out what I yearn for.

Now I am at a point where I need to work backwards. I need to step into every piece of work and say Here I Am. Use myself, use the heart of Sean in my work. In my day to day life I have checked out often, separating how my inside feels with what I am projecting to the world - playing it safe. This is my chance in my life to be unsafe, to be wound-able - vulnerable. I will make a lot of mistakes, but I am now just starting to learn how to use myself instead of facsimiles of myself in what I do. There is no predefined example of who I am, that changes every day, so I need to recognize where I am at any given point and use it to inspire me. Blocking can be locked down, some reactions even can be, but that is later. Now I need to rehearse, get dirty, be comfortable doing things I Sean would not do but my character would.

Most of all, do it all unapologetically. It is one trait I know I have inherited. Now it is time to start using it. Wish me luck!

Sean.

2010-01-16T15:51:00.002-07:00

Inside,

my head. I have been far too internal this past week and a bit, especially in my scene work at school. Something that should be relatively free and easy to do I am getting tripped over, over-prepared, and frustrated with. My brain gets it, but I am not yet doing it - I am not yet living and being in the moment free and easy (yet paradoxically with control) I instead am hesitant and not letting go. It is a tough place to start my first couple weeks back into school, I feel I am making a horrible impression on Kathryn Shaw at the moment but thankfully at the same time I do feel progress and I DO feel like I am learning - boy am I learning.

That aside I saw a great production of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf last night at the Vancouver East Cultural Center. The naturalness to the performances and the very apt and precise directing reminded me of many things I am simply forgetting and should do when I am performing myself. So today I cleaned my room and reorganized a bunch of things in my life - it feels good, I feel in control and I feel ready to tackle school next week with new vigor.

So far I am loving B term - it is a more precise set of skills and I can feel how I can integrate each new skill into my acting as I go along. My class however has lost another grand member, my Gogo Mitch, but he'll be back next year and join the term below so I know he will do well. Though it means that out of a class of thirteen we are down to three men, I wonder how this will effect casting and how I can learn from this experience. Powersong is going better, I am not too worried since I still have a fair amount of time and I think I know where I am heading, but performing it is still very nerve racking - I think this is good for me, the fact it scares me lets me know I am doing something right.

Just a quick update for today - as always - Wish me luck!

Sean.

2010-01-03T22:40:00.002-07:00

New,

Year. 2009 was a varied year. Looking back on it I don't even know where it came from. I started the year in the worst place I had ever been in my life, and somehow throughout mistakes and odd transgressions by the end I realize I am in a very good place, a place I didn't think I would be and I am very thankful for that.

If I dare look back on my posts a mere year ago they were full of new emotions, strange anguish, and rants of the same thing over and over again. I found myself without that familiar home anymore, a place that was part of my life completely until this last year. I escaped a lot, sometimes in forms of drinking, of working, and of vacations... Yet even though it was a bad intentioned escape, I learned and grew so much through each of them. I have calmed, my rage isn't the same, it is there and can be used of course heh but my heart isn't as heavy.

I have many people to thank for that, my friends, my lovers, my family, and now I am away from them all. Hard at first yes, but after going back over Christmas, I got a new energy, a new life for everything that I am doing - and coming back to Vancouver was coming back home despite my only being here for 4 months. I let my mother go, be free from my heart, and I hadn't really until a year had passed - so in those short two weeks since I let her be free here on this blog I have physically and emotionally have felt so uplifted and happy since.

This is the best place for me to be entering the next term at Studio. I am really feeling like myself again and I hope it shows to all of those around me. I am making a collage of my life, but I am choosing a lot of happy - when of course there is a lot of sad to show... because well my life is what I make it - I am happy, because I choose to be happy. It is the same at the beginning of 2009 when I chose sadness instead. I was content just to slug it along in Edmonton not doing what I really wanted. I am very glad that is not what I am doing now.

Gotta finish up some work for the first day of class... but I am happy to see where this goes! Wish me luck!

Sean.

2009-12-29T13:31:00.002-07:00

Home,

for the holidays? So I have been in Edmonton since the 19th, it has been great seeing my old friends and my family. I have relived old times with the boys, watched Avatar with MacInnis (review in later paragraph) and learned much of my families history through talks. I have enjoyed this, I really have... but.... I AM SO BLOODY EXCITED TO GO BACK!

Time off is great, seeing friends is great, but all I can think about every day is going back to Studio - I thought I would at least take a bit of a mental break and block it out until a couple days before but all throughout my time off I have sounded like a broken record clumsily trying to explain things to other people that I do not fully understand myself. I have tons of powersong ideas and I am working on my homework tonight with my sister, that is how bloody excited I am.

That having been said time off let me realize it, let things settle and see where I wanted to go from here. I feel like I just have visited Edmonton... it doesn't feel like home like it once did. I love my family, I really do, now I am in Okotoks with my sisters family and seeing them again is like a dream. Yet I want to explore, I want to go back to Studio and soon! I don't know how long this new energy will last (probably about 1/4 into the term) but I hope I can remember it when things get tough and go back to it.

Avatar which I saw with David wasn't what I would call a film... it was an experience. I know I enjoyed it, living it in 3D I thought would be cheesy but it actually was done very effectively. It was simplistic in its plot but I still think it is something people should go and see, though I don't think I can critic it effectively until I saw it again to wear off my rose coloured 3D glasses.

After talking with my grandmother I plan on making a family tree sometime within the next year, it is a daunting project that the majority of the family probably doesn't have time for (not saying that I do) but I feel the history is important and I plan on working on this in the following summer. Great Grandma would be a great resource though I fear for how long she has left, she is doing well for a woman of 95, but she has earned a great rest. Though I can hope for the best.

No plans for new years, it blows my mind to think where I was a decade ago in Jr.High listening to Will2k and praying the Y2K bug wasn't going to mess stuff up. So much technologically and personally has changed, the next decade will be the start of my career, where I will be and what I will be doing only time will tell - but I am excited for it!

The kids are hungry, Imma go get some pizza, as always... Wish me luck!

Sean.

2009-12-16T01:07:00.002-07:00

One,

year. One year ago I had received the phone call, that you had passed. I saw you only 2 hours before, resting, but in pain. This night I had went to Lester and Scott's house and saw some good friends, we chatted and had some of my favorite scotch and then I had a phone call. Not unexpected but still something no amount of preparation can ready you for. I asked to be picked up so I could see her, see her without seeing her. I told my friends plainly and explained I would be leaving, brotherly embraces but no tears yet, just shattering mirror in my brain that filled with unanswered questions.

I came to the room with my Uncle Bob and my Grandmother, words of compassion and sorrow were exchanged in the loss of a daughter, sister, mother. I then asked to be left alone for a few moments with her. At first I simply sat in the feeling of being alone but not alone... I felt no soul within the body I pressed my lips against in farewell but I did still feel someone with me. I felt someone with me outside of arms reach and I sought to say everything I never had.

People cannot express their feelings for one another in words alone. To feel the devotion and love one is capable of you must speak through the metaphors of your heart.

Mom you are the missing beats in my heart, with every pulse that moment of silence between the next is you. I was born with a slow heart, so that silence isn't quiet to me, it is another pulse that pushes me forward every day.

I covered all the bases in that moment, I prayed, I begged, I screamed, I cried. Then I sat again in the silence but not silence and burned into my mind the image of you before I left. I truly wish I burned more images into my mind of you laughing, of you happy, and less of you angry or in pain. The hurt stays fresh but the joy stays boxed and forgotten. There was joy though, really there was.

Melissa told the greatest story about you at your funeral. The two of you were in your usual phone arguments and it had gotten to the point where you would slap the receiver of the phone on the table. Melissa being just as stubborn as you began to do the same. After a few minutes you had started bursting out in laughter, and Melissa was really confused as to what you thought was so funny. Of which you replied, "we started slamming the phones in rhythm." Which got both of you laughing and forgetting entirely about what you had fought about. Melissa tells it better, she always remembers the small stuff and I look to her now as the greatest sister I could ever ask for.

In the end you did alright in raising us you know. I mean really we should be fucked up after all the shit we went through but god damn somehow we ended up alright. You weren't perfect by any means, but no one needs to say that, you were loved despite your faults and sometimes for them as all people are. Your daughter has her shit pretty together with being a Mom herself too, shes a bit hard on Nick, but compared to you I am sure she's a pussy cat. Your Mom misses you too, she stays strong but to lose your eldest child... she has helped me at times where you would have and I am lucky to have her. Your brothers and sister still talk of you, they were raised to be tough mostly by you, and so they show their love in appreciation for all your time with them when they were young. The Grand kids speak of you as if you are always there, which you are, and I hope when they are older to tell stories about you. I hope to always have an extra eye out for Nick for you too, he misses you greatly and it is hard for him sometimes. I don't promise you any kids out of me for a long time and I regret that if I ever have children they will never have known you, but they will know of you, that I can promise.

As for me. I don't know how else to put it. I have been afraid of my own heart because it bleeds with the pain of you gone. I promise it will never not have you in it but over the next while I must reclaim it. I must live with it in my life or I am not living. This past year has been one of the greatest extremes, and now as I venture into my training I need my heart again. I will keep it in all I do. For now I will take the time to hurt, then I will let my heart feel joy. I want to feel everything with my heart, do everything with my heart as you had said many times before. It has been hard this year to do that - but I will go on and do well and make you proud.

I remember last December so vividly like waking from a dream and recalling every detail. I shut down because I wanted to live before the dream, I didn't want to wake because then that meant there would be time after you were gone. This year I fear I have thought of you more then some when you were alive, but that is the way memory and loss works. I will not forget but more and more hours and days will pass where I do not think of you - forgive me for this but I am living, I want to live, I want to explore and dream and create as you always wanted me to. So in this coming year I will not think of you each day, I will have you in my heart with each beat, and think of all I wish to accomplish, all I wish to create, all I wish to experience.

I wish to set you free. You are now a spirit with all the Earth, you can do all you wish and more as you have no limitations in your freedom. I promise you always have a place to stay in my heart but I beg of you to be released into the ether of the world and beyond so that I can live my life fully. I will love you until my time comes, but I have so much to do, so much to be, all things you wished for me. I will speak of you often, know I love you, know I will continue in doing greatness with this life you have given me. In your honour and with love.

Sean.

2009-12-14T00:27:00.002-07:00

Tea,

is a constant. People have been drinking it for thousands of years and here I sit with a cup of tea from the reserves of what my mother had more than a year ago. The days line up like footprints in the show and the walked on path is no longer visible from the fresh fallen snow. I sip tea indoors with the right amount of sugar and the knowledge that if she hadn't passed this tea would have been consumed months and months ago. Instead it sat and waited for me here right now, after the first snowfall in Vancouver, hundreds of miles and thousands of steps in the snow away.

Tonight was closing of The Winters Tale, finished strike a little while ago and decided to come home instead of going to the closing party. I wish everyone else well, just tonight I felt... nostalgic. The snow is good for me, the snow reminds me of many things. I fear going back to Edmonton, only because of the extreme cold, I think I have gotten used to this mild winter all too readily - but Saturday I will find myself in -35 again.

I am glad there is this lull in what I need to do although I fear I am reverting back into first circle all too much. (I just made an acting reference in my life, what the hell is this school doing to me!) I am very internal right now, but I think I need to be for at least a little while longer - then I need to get back out and be me again, constantly for a while, being with old friends should help... family too... I hope. Melissa helps with that, I have to visit her and the kids no matter what, they mean more to me then I think they could ever possibly be aware of.

I have much I want to do in my acting but first there is much I just do for myself at this time of reflection and remembrance. I have and will push some people back, possibly away completely, but I will take those risks. Then after I need to do the opposite... find the goodness in my friends and my classmates and just be myself around them without fear of being judged and without apology - I am too polite around these people and that is the one thing I cannot be. Especially now that we are down to four men, I have to personally act more manly and be louder for our genders outnumbered voice. B term will be fun! haha!

This is the first cup of tea I have drank the way she did. The type, the ratio of milk and sugar, the speed and everything else. This is the same pot, kettle, and tea. The same I made countless times for her, and instead I make it for me, alone. I don't know what any of it means or if it is just me giving meaning to things that just happen to be, but I feel a very certain way. I had felt this way exactly a year ago, after Tara and I broke up and while mom was in the final week of the hospital. I walked in the snow and thought I was alone, and yes though I had friends and yes though I had family I had felt little connection to anyone completely and I felt that today as I walked home instead of to the party.

I am in one regard choosing this for myself at this exact moment and time, to be alone with my thoughts and my remembrance as I see fit this time of year. Yet I wonder if I am alone in much of this. I know as I always have that people do care, but to what extent, and do I care back... I let myself slip into a darker place right now, but I will not stay. I have passion I have love for the work I do and will be doing, I want to succeed and learn each new day, and most of all I will have fun doing it. Yet that is in another days time soon. For now I sit and I drink tea. No matter what happens in life I know that tea is a constant. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-12-03T20:02:00.003-07:00

Elation,

and apparition.

I originally planned on writing a few days ago, specifically Dec. 1 when I had a bit of a troubled heart about it now coming in closer to a year since mom's death, but I have come to new realizations and feel good instead.

Today was good, if anything it reconfirms to me that I am and can be an actor, I have something there that can come out and be used through training.

At this point I am a river blocked by rocks, only so much is let through. I need to do two things. I need to let the river run free through my voice and movement classes in the following term, blasting away these rocks to allow me to flow free. Then I need to build a dam with my tools as an actor, that can release the river as it needs - having both freedom and control. Ultimately this is my goal to create a toolbox where I can do this, and I know I can.

I have been mindfully counting the days till one year, on Tuesday it had me remembering looking at the back of moms head as she watched my fringe production of Possible Worlds. As she sat in her walker, I realized that this was quite possibly the last production of mine she would ever see. I was lying down and listening to the song Apparitions, the opening song we had for Possible Worlds, and I just let the memories flow freely. I cried, a lot, a strange mix of happy and sad, and I had let go of much in that moment. It will take a while until I can let go completely, especially in regards to mom, but I do want to let go in other aspects of my life and let my heart and soul come out into my work.

I need to remember to have fun, when I do I love it, I live for it, and I live in it. It was great to receive praise today in class, and this is probably the first time I actually accepted it. I usually blow off compliments and turn them back on people - I can't do that, I need to own my accomplishments, accept their gifts of praise, and make sure I continue creating work that is worth the gift of praise. I know many "jerks" who are actors and are brilliant because they take ownership in their work, I need to do the same (minus the jerkiness) and take that unapologetic pride in my blood out of my body and onto my skin.

This is just the first term, I use the word "just" because it sits in that world of halfway that can be labeled as a complete journey when it is only a step in a lifelong process. I have been an artist for a long while in my life, I have just never accepted it. My voice and heart has had so many shut up voices that I have shut off my own through the inability to accept truths in my own life. I am learning to get past that, learning the truth in myself and thus in my characters as well. It is a lot to take in, I am thankful I am here for longer then just these short 13 weeks, they have ignited parts of me that had been long since burning covered. Now as I progress further into this process I plan on turning them into blazing dances of fire - unleashing parts of me I don't know about, yet.

I am loving this, really truly, almost fully even, and there is so much more ahead. No matter what happens I am thus far thankful for my time here and despite the pain and struggle at times it is far worth it.

Finals after the weekend - going to re-read that other journal of mine (how many does one guy need?!) and write a response as well. I will write more about my mother as she comes up this month, despite how I fear some may find it morbid to write about it I think of an image that comes to my head: a classmate in check in saying, "Fuck it. Who cares? I am an artist. I am doing this for me."

Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-11-23T23:30:00.002-07:00

poem. Originated from my voice class, while doing a sense memory exercise.

The sound of rushing settles my heart

my breath making a pillow my skin kisses back

an end to one path another to start

splashing magic speaks for generations

though I feel the pull of time

I hush it with my sway

and settle in a frame of my moving soul.

This originated from a place that I know well. There is a path in the river valley in Edmonton, this is a path I have walked literally hundreds of times: with my mother, my father, others, and alone. When I came back to this place in my mind, I let my heart wander, it first surprised me by having me walk and carry my mother along the path as I had several times before. Then it surprised me again when I reached the spot by the river where the paths split to find my father, where I sat between the two of them: my mother on my left my father on my right. It was very happy, a facade, because I can't recall it happening... well maybe... but if so it was long enough ago that I had forgotten the feeling enough to make it new again when I lived it in my minds eye.

My sister has talked to my father, and even though I feel an orphan at times I must remember I am not - even if he isn't a part of my life, he does matter to me, I may be one of the last people in the world who loves him despite his faults. After consulting with my awesome loser sister, I think it best I call him sometime soon.

That brings me to the next topic, my sister has been here for two days, an all too short visit but spending an entire day with her yesterday has reconnected me with family and I did need that. We talked much of our mother, a women not without faults, and we have found documents that she had written as her body deteriorated... something I am going to examine and extend as I can. Melissa has her own projects involving this, and I can respect and understand them, even if they give me a slight pause and worry to the chain of events it may unfold by their actions.

We didn't get around too much but we took some photos and something very strange and other worldly happened. We first headed to Gas town for lunch, but upon remembering a different restaurant decided to head back - yet not before reaching the steam clock and taking some pictures. Then we made it to Stanley Park and the Aquarium (which was closed) where we took some photos outside. Upon returning home Melissa showed me some photographs she had brought along, hidden among a collection of photos from Hawaii was something we didn't know existed... Mom took photos of her trip to Vancouver with Auntie Linda - a trip she must have taken at least 10 years prior. The photos were of my mother... in the exact locations we had just visited that day.

We didn't know what to make of it, I still don't really - mother did not travel much, to see those photos of her in the city I now live in somehow brought her even closer to me - made the city less foreign. Yet as much as I want to believe in its significance and as much as it yearns me to let tears flow I slice that dam closed.

I will and do remember the good things about my mother, I miss her, I do and love her always. However things were not perfect, far from it. It isn't fair to her memory or to me and my sister to sanctify her. When someone passes people forgive a lot, which is right, but if you forget the bad you taint who they are - because our faults make us as human if not more than our strengths. Mom was loud, very loud, selfish, single minded, lazy, crazy at times and difficult to handle, but I still love her. All the same she was proud, self sacrificing, caring, attentive, and powerful. Her greatest strength as I have said before was that she was unapologetically herself. I respect and honor that, despite the pains it has caused me while growing up - it is a trait I still yearn for.

I am glad I had my sister here if only for a short while. It puts things in perspective for me with another pair of eyes that had witnessed the truth of my mothers life as I had. Despite the refreshing outlook it doesn't change that I miss her. It doesn't change that one year ago today I was at the hospital as often as I could be to communicate with my mother without words - to let her know her son was going to be okay even if she had to go, to let her know someone would talk of her for the rest of their lives and tell the stories she had not the words or understanding to tell.

Aside from that there are but two weeks left of class for my A term of Studio 58. I am going to work hard on my mime piece which is due within a week and I am going to do my best to get along with everyone in class despite that fact that everyone seems to be going crazy from stress. At this time I must remember more then ever to enter with a beginners mindset and to allow myself to be open and understanding whilst the world falls apart around me. I am very excited for the last couple of projects, Godot especially, and then viewing all the hard work the other terms have put together throughout the year. Then with some luck I will go home for a few weeks before returning in January to do it all over again... I can't wait.

Sean.

2009-11-11T21:44:00.003-07:00

So,

say we all. I had intended to update this when it was still fresh in my memory, but as my free time shifts so do my intentions. So I finished Battlestar Galactica last Tuesday when I was home sick, I don't know why I waited so long to finish the last four or so episodes but I am glad I did, it was worth it and it made me quite happy in an odd way. I do hope to work on something along those lines one day - I love telling stories, I suppose that is why I am where I am right now.

School is going well, it blows my mind to think that we only have 3 more weeks after this one until class is done. I just finished my last two play projects for the term, a poster and sound design, and I am quite proud of them. What's left is Waiting for Godot, Mime Final, over half a dozen movement journals, and the odd project here and there. With finishing the play projects I feel like I can start tackling everything else anew again and I am excited to just explore and take risks.

Now in November, I am starting, and still only starting to act like myself around others at school. I don't know why I sit and watch first, probably because it is safe, but that is something I am learning, to no longer be safe, just to jump in and give it my all off the bat. That will take time though, I am still resisting much in voice, but I know voice work is what I need the most, I plan that if things go well I should seek out some workshops in the summer to focus on that even more.

Also for some reason I have been downloading and listening to musical soundtracks - my knowledge of musicals is fairly limited but I am really enjoying learning more about them. I feel as if I can do many of them, also as if I want to perhaps work with someone in writing one - one day. I really did enjoy listening to Stephen Sondheim talk at the end of last month, I don't regret the choice of buying tickets, even though that if I had waited I would have gotten them for free heh.

I am at a bit of the 3 months in slump, I am generally feeling well aside from the cold I am recovering from. I fear however I have to get my heart back into it, because right now I am quite homesick and it is distracting me - Christmas will be nice, it isn't long but I should be able to reassure myself that my friends and family are well enough that when I come back for B term that I come back with eagerness and passion. I am sure it is nothing a good sleep or two wouldn't help hurt either.

All that and it is Remembrance Day, I do always like to remember those who have fought in the past and those that are out there now. Knowing a few people overseas fighting especially brings it back into my mind far more frequently.

So I find myself at 9:00pm with most of my home work done, I think I may have some tea and get a nice sleep - Wish me luck!

Sean.

2009-11-02T17:41:00.002-07:00

More,

Cowbell. I truly wish that you could use that as a prescription for a fever. Fevers are weird, you're all warm and funny feeling so you sleep and you sleep and you hope it goes away. So far it isn't as warm as it was but I am certainly still feeling warm and off. With all the sleeping though comes dreams, I have dreamed more frequently since moving to Vancouver and starting Studio but today in my fever dream was the first time I dreamed with my body.

Always dreams seem to play like movies in my head and I can see myself from the outside or inside upon my choosing given then situation, today however was the first time I fell out of my body and could feel things in my dreams. It was strange, it took me by surprise, I touched a wall and low and behold I could actually feel it in my nerves. It was so shocking I almost awoke again but I didn't, consciously I said "whoa I am in a dream, I should feel myself lying in my bed" but then I turned it off and I could actually feel my surroundings. Which is hilarious because the dream itself was nothing too descriptive, I was viewing very oddly shaped and designed houses to live in for a future semester with a bunch of Studio friends, it was simple and odd. Yet through the drug like trip of the fever I felt my surroundings and just basked in it for a while - until I woke up, realized it was 3:00pm and that I was hungry. Now I am getting fevered again and am going to have tea and go back to bed while reading a play.

Fever aside much has happened in the past couple weeks. We are using scripts now and I feel better, we have had amazing little short classes that blow my mind and have to be journaled. I literally am taking what I learn and creating a "toolbox" of tools to achieve certain things from my body and that I can bring out in performances. Simple and stupid, but it reminds me and allows me to materialize tactics that I have had ideas about, and instead reinforce and concrete them into every performance so that nothing is forgotten. As much as theatre is an art, it is also a trade, I let the trade aspect slip in that I just let all the technique fly past me and be forgotten in the past, thinking I could just let it all happen organically. I have learned however that you should always be in control, and that ultimately how well I perform is based on how much work I put into it, nothing more than that. So remembering all that I have learned in the past and all that I am learning now I need to not get lazy and complacent, and instead work for each new discovery and offer. I write this though I have yet to fully exercise it, nothing is instantaneous.

Halloween was fun, made me miss my good friends back home, but I was glad to have some here that I could be with. My life has changed so very much in two years, if I had known in advance where I was headed I am sure that I would have panicked and messed everything up. Instead I just let things happen and learn from them and continue forward - I don't know if I am as happy as I was before, but it is a different kind of contentment. My life isn't based on those around me and my relationships with people, I instead am forced to be content and learn about myself, which of course has been changing as of recent. Three quarter talks this week, I am not worried as I will let what happen happen, and I know I will decide to work past any difficulties that arise.

That having been said I hope after this first semester I can take the time to make some good friends, to know people better. For now I need only know what I can do work and get along with them - but that will change with time. Now for more fever induced hallucinations - Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-10-17T19:12:00.002-06:00

Metaphor,

it exists in the right hemisphere of our brains. It causes us to react to words and phrases that represent more then just their surface meaning. For me yesterday it was a Christmas tree and Christmas lights, nothing completely out of the ordinary but for some reason it got to me. It got me thinking, processing, and without exact knowledge as to why, crying. I withdrew myself from the presence of others and just reveled in the thoughts and emotions until I was interrupted, it resurfaced in little waves but overall it was done. Since then thoughts of existing have been plaguing my mind.

I love life, always have, got a great early appreciation for it from the lack of freedom in my first few years. I do not want to die, but then again no one does, yet we all have knowledge of being doomed to die from the moment of our birth. To exist is to be brought out of it again some day. I do not think it is pointless, I do not fear death, I do not fear after death be it a new life or nothingness. Yet I still ponder it at times, get afraid, feel the metaphors that cause my body to react by racing my heart and causing me physical pain. So although I intelligently do not fear many things, my body does - my body is a huge part of me that I am only now learning all about. It is not a machine that does the will of my brain, it has my brain, my knowledge, my everything throughout.

So now that I am learning that there is a pre-built separation between the two reconnecting them is my current goal. Understanding while still allowing things be left not understood. Everything is a joyful little paradox, and I want to do something with my life. Lloyd Nicholson, who I do not think I knew, passed away recently and that event has effect many. Yesterday we toasted him at school and my body and mind agreed on one thing: to make my life worthwhile enough to others, so that they may do the same when I die. I have people that would now, even though they are far away now that I think about it. Nothing I have done has been meaningless, we give meaning to all that we do simply by doing it.

Another fantastic phrase was brought up in class the other day, the pleasure of being a professional. I take pleasure in all that I do, or at least try to, but I truly want to feel the pleasure of being a professional. That for me will have its own meaning for me, that will allow me to facilitate my life to a place where I can create and tell stories in many different ways. That is where I want my life to lead. So far it is just the beginning, and even though I still have many emotions and smaller goals along the way to deal with, I do not fear the change or advancement. I simply want to be there, but I should always remember to be there now, for I am there now in different ways. That is how I will stay present, stay alive, and live for my own reasons for living.

I am still pondering, still learning. So as always, wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-10-06T00:31:00.002-06:00

Reading,

my own words. Last night when I got home for some reason I picked up my old journals, first a journal that had an entry from my first drama class in University with David Barnet and my entries from my class with Sandra Nichols in third year. Looking at what my thoughts were then on acting just blew my mind, I don't think like that at all anymore, I still have inklings and remembrances of some of the things done and I of course remember the work and life lessons in the end - but the overall mentality, tone and voice are completely different.

Then I continued onward and had read some of my first journal, the one I started when I was graduating high school (2004 dear god) and even more changes were noticed there. There is something similar but very different in my writing as my life goes on, thankfully most of change is an improvement but what my goals are and what the driving forces are in my life has changed drastically. So much that I wonder if the change in goals, sets a change of tactics, that ultimately changes the person.

Which would make sense, we are fluid, we are ever changing with each day and each new experience. Breaking things down simply again within the program is letting me absorb and understand things I thought I knew or I had a brief overview of, except with clarity and body-mind connection. After doing that last night, I now was asked to read my journal that I keep for class and write a response to it, which makes sense - although I find my writing in this space seem to be my response to everything that effects me in my life. So I will include entries and a link to this site in case there is interest.

It amazes me how much I watch myself now, I admit I took out the word "just" from a sentence and changed any third person references into personal ones. Walking with my spine, remembering to take time to react, saying yes to everything then reacting to it, things I can't exactly describe yet both because I do not fully understand them and the points I do understand cannot be placed into words that I know how to form. This will take time, to think it is near my midterm review already is surprising, but I will absorb things and go back to anything I have not yet understood.

Just a random thinking about school night, overall doing good - weather is snowless, I listen to more music nowadays, and I am getting to know everyone just a little better. As always, Wish me luck!

Sean.

2009-09-30T01:36:00.003-06:00

I'm,

a boat motherfucker. I just really wanted to say that. We had a great Voice lesson the other day with Ian, he said some very simple and prolific things about being present - one was just how to notice our back and spine and walk with it, turning with it like a rudder (left for right and right for left) and it totally worked. Occasionally I catch myself not doing it, but I am going to work on it often if possible.

So I am listening to some music, strangely enough it is the soundtrack Lester made to Possible Worlds. Aside from the Matt Good and awesome instrumental ,I am getting a lot of memories today. I awoke from a dream which I prolonged with the snooze button, it was a dream of what my life would be like right now at this moment if I had not left Edmonton. It was very similar to years past: fraternity life, where I am missing my friends, work, school, new projects, comforting people and family - all in all, not bad at all.

But I thought, as I usually do, that I would still have that nagging feeling that I have had for years that I have described countless times in this blog. I have yearned for so long to leave, to try new things, to explore, to be challenged. Lo' and behold that is exactly what is happening, not in the instantaneous explosion part of me yearned for, but in small parts that are building very quickly into something new.

For starters I actually feel comfortable within my body, like I don't think I am fat like I used to, sure I could lose some weight but I am very agile and healthy for someone my height and size. I also am losing weight and am generally feeling stronger and more self aware about everything. It does wonders just to know my body more completely.

I am thinking about this now as when I had first started Kung Fu. The first month I was there, I was present, I had learned some things. Then as time went on I yearned for the next step, complications, additions, I would practice on my own, bring myself completely to each new session. This is very similar to how I see myself progressing at Studio, not to say I have been JUST present (it works in that context, inside joke) instead I have been using this time to rediscover a lot about myself both mentally and physically. As I accept these things into my mind and muscle memory I will explode outward from them, taking them to new heights with each new lesson and day, and pushing my own boundaries with time. Not too much time, I only have so long here, gotta start jumping in quick!

It has not yet even been a full month. I am excited to see where I go from here. Wish me Luck.

Sean.

2009-09-20T23:40:00.003-06:00

Hello,

is anyone there? So I did something strange today. I have been sleep deprived what with staying up late and having school at 9am everyday, even Saturday and Sunday, so maybe it was that, or maybe it was morbid curiosity. I called my sister on my way home, but she was having dinner so she said she would call me back after.

So I called Mom, I literally called Mom. Then as of course the number was disabled I stood there in shock realizing what I had just done, then instead of turning off my phone - I talked. I talked as if she was there and things I would say, I swear it took me a good couple minutes to even make a noise that was something even recognizable as human speech. I talked to her though, at least as I would if she were there, what I was doing, my joys, my venting, my missing of her, I just wanted to keep her updated as if things were no different. I cried, but I didn't stop, it was hard not to but I didn't stop until I was satisfied that I had updated her sufficiently for one phone call, and that being my mother it meant I had to cover a lot.

I miss her, I miss everyone I don't see anymore - I don't think it's just moving either, it is a recognition that these people are no longer a regular part of my life. I still haven't opened up in class much, but I am getting there - some know about my mother and some don't it doesn't really matter but Stephen has noticed that I do talk about her a lot, and that I am more myself around him then around the rest of the class because I can talk about her freely, because she isn't taboo. Maybe that is what is holding me back. I am not ashamed that my mother died, I didn't want to be known as that "guy who's mom died" so all his work is going to be about that. Which is stupid because you know what like it or not it WILL effect everything I do because it does effect everything I do. Probably for the rest of my life, it is as much a part of who I am then any other experience I have been through.

On a side note as a part of this tangent I had a discussion about my always being apologetic and saying sorry for things. My immediate response was that I will not do it anymore. However using a negative connotation (the not) makes my statement roundabout and untruthful. What I was helped into realizing was that instead of not doing something, instead I just need to be responsible for all that I do. There is no need to be sorry, when you take responsibility for your actions, my actions are neither right nor wrong, they are my own and I accept them.

This is like my mother. Mom was unapologetically herself, she always was. That is something I will be. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-09-13T01:45:00.002-06:00

Daily,

journal. I am keeping one for school which is nice but that is obviously more acting orientated and involves things I am learning. Which already are many - it technically has been 4 days but it feels like a couple weeks. This is great, this is what I have been hoping for, and I couldn't be more frightened and happy to be doing this then now.

So Studio is awesome, but what is more awesome is the things it is doing to me as a person. I am not there yet (well duh it's been 4 fricken days) but I can feel where I am heading and I really like the direction it is taking me. I still have to let go, to just flush out my emotions and never let that gremlin take over my thoughts, but it will take a little time - though here I presume sooner then later.

Aside from that still don't know much about the city or the people in it - I feel very separated without many people around me, I usually revel in the fact that I would always have friends around me and now... well it's not the same. Which is good in some ways, I am learning from it, but we'll see how I and my situations change as I spend more time here - it has only really been 3 weeks. I will let out whats happened in my life to others soon, not that I am saving it or something stupid I just... I am having problems letting it out and letting go - I went through my moms Facebook and email today and I don't know if I should accept friend requests or not and it's a very weird feeling.

It's late though, I should sleep and deal with this another time. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-09-06T01:53:00.002-06:00

For,

those about to rock, we salute you. Hah, I finally caved and bought my own copy of Rockband, I won't have much time to play it or will be able to play it all too often what with the landlord living upstairs but I am damned excited to have it in my own possession.

Rockband aside, I started the first couple days at Studio 58 and I am very excited. Within the first two days I have reorganized a props room, had a production meeting, and learned that I get to do full shows and experimental theatre within a few semesters. The people are really kind so far, Stephen has been great to live with, and the area of Vancouver seems nice.

Aside from Stephen I don't really know too many folks around town, it is different but nice in its own way - people don't have a preconceived notion of me and I can just be myself and create a completely new professional reputation, one hopefully for the best.

This school will kick my ass, and I can't wait for that - I have needed a challenge and something different for a while. Even though I will and do miss many from back home, this is good for me - and I cannot wait to start.

I'll keep folks updated, as always, wish me luck!

Sean.

2009-08-29T01:57:00.002-06:00

By,

the sea. And the mountains and so much more, Vancouver is a beautiful city and I hope I will enjoy my time here.

I miss everyone back home and it is weird being on my own but I am thankful for everyone and all the help I have received.

So to update anyone who missed August, the fringe was a decent success, the show itself was fantastic however we needed larger audiences, this is something I can work on for the future.

And now... I find myself in Vancouver and hopefully moving into my crappy little basement suite home tomorrow. Scott was kind enough to drive me here and now I am going to have to figure out the rest on my own.

School starts in less then a week and I am super excited, Ill update that process as it comes along. Wish me Luck.

Sean.

2009-07-29T02:05:00.002-06:00

Almost,

August and I still need a place to live. Hopefully I can get some help with finding a place, but for now I am at the mercy of the Internet and people helping me.

So here I am at 2:00am when I planned on sleeping 3 hours ago, my mind has been racing and my collective thoughts are on where I was a year ago compared to now.

Last year when I worked on Possible Worlds I was in my own little world and it was nice. I had a show, a mom, more University, and I felt confident. Now I am lacking in a few of those things, moving away, and feel somewhere between tired and scared.

I miss a lot of people already, it is as if I will see many of them never again and who knows it may just be true. I think my problem is I am letting things get nostalgic well before I have any right to let it be so.

I want this, I want to go to a school that has been to described to me akin to Hogwarts. I have wanted to for years, and because I am unsure and miss matched I think that is the only reason I am ready. It took a far amount of maturation to get to where my mind is today, and yet I have oh so much more to go. I can't wait to tackle this new adventure but at this point I am getting nostalgic.

Maybe it's the fringe, hell I usually describe things as "this many" fringes ago as opposed to years, whenever I think of fringe time it always is a time in my life of changes, for better and for ill.

I think I need to write these thoughts I have about mom down more, I am afraid to because I fear it will cheapen or capitalize on my mothers memory by writing about it and possibly even sharing it.

Looking at moms empty room with my sister one last time before we locked the house for good was hard. Both me and Melissa always knew that in that room at night would be our mother, and no matter the fights we had all day we could hug her and talk to her about anything. When we were young the sound of her miss matched breathing and lying next to her was a comfort, and even when we were older we often would come to her and lye next to her when we wanted to talk about anything in our lives.

I miss that, I miss having that part of my life so much that I spend all my time trying to not think about it instead of remembering it fondly and loving those memories.

I always wanted to move but I always wanted her to still be there, so I could come back and share and make her proud. Now I don't know if I will ever come back to Edmonton for good, I don't really want to now that she is gone. At the same time I don't want to leave, it's bad enough we no longer have the house, but now if I leave the city will everything I had with her just become a distant memory?

I'm so afraid of forgetting parts of her, sometimes I think I don't remember the sound of her voice. I just keep remembering what she was like at the end and I know she hated that, she hated being weak or not being able to be independent and she would never want me to think of her that way. I remember her as the type of woman that was so commanding that at a simple complaint she would receive reparations far beyond whatever was initially wrong just because they were afraid of her.

Hell Melissa and I are still afraid of her, if someone had broken that lamp she loved we thought that we would be haunted by her just for that fault.

I love my mom so very much, yet I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed that this time last year I didn't spend more time with her, that at times I acted as if nothing was wrong, and that I fought with her as much as I did.

But that's just who mom was, someone we loved but still fought with, because people in our family always think that we are the ones who are right and everyone else are the ones who are wrong. I learned so much about myself through dealing with her since most of the time we were always just staring into a mirror.

In the end though it's important to remember crawling into moms bed and lying down and talking to her about life. I don't know if I will ever have that again with the same kind of relationship but I cherish it. The one thing I will never forget is what it felt like to give my mom a hug, I can still feel it now when I imagine it, and right now it's the greatest and most painful thing in the world at the same time.

I miss my mommy. This time last year I took her to Heritage days for the last time, she came to see my fringe show for the last time, and we had a big fight for the last time. After the summer it was just spending time with her and trying to live my life, I tried to be a good son but I don't know if I ever did enough. I know though that no matter what she would always be proud of me and my sister.

In just over a week we are going to spread my mothers ashes, it's been nearly eight months since she has passed and we are just doing it now. I don't know how many people will be there but I will also be able to see where my mothers headstone will be, the actual stone won't be in place until I have already left for Vancouver. Which reminds me, I haven't spoken to or even told my father I am moving to another city. I forget sometimes he is still around, I don't think it's because I am angry or anything I just think it's because I am not sure if he cares.

I should get to sleep, think about this more within the next week. I may write more just to keep the memories fresh. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-06-26T17:36:00.002-06:00

Home,

home on the... well I am leaving prairies and going to the coast, so I'm not sure how to finish that line... I am in a bit of a slump, maybe because I am leaving home, maybe because I am comfy, maybe because I am lazy. Yet in the end moving and going to this school is what I want to do, what I have wanted to do for many years. At the beginning yes part of it was to escape my family and go out on my own and learn all sorts of things... but with my mother now gone I don't have those side reasons fueling why I am doing this anymore.

Yet I want to try this, I want to succeed in it too. Edmonton is a small place, it is a place where people can get experience and raise families and work to a certain regard at least to make a living... but I want to do more than that. I want to create and explore and live my life to its fullest, something I don't think I can do here as I am.

So as I sit in this 2 month funk, I need to pack, find a place to live, relearn my vigor for exploration that I had before. I need to sleep... I don't like sleeping as much anymore. I need to exercise and get my body back into shape - that fuels the rest of my mind and allows everything to be clearer. I need to... get ready.

I also need to spend time with those I won't see for a long time, and even in some cases see again. My University years are at a close and I am ready to focus and work, I have been forced to grow up and for that I am glad because now I can focus on my career.

I won't do it all alone though, I will need help and I need to learn how to ask... Wish me luck!

Sean.

2009-06-19T19:15:00.002-06:00

Gamblor,

strikes again. Alright so I have a gambling problem. I would like to say say have had but I can't until I have had some time away. I easily have spent about $1000 of my money on gambling in the past month. This is a fact I am not proud of, a fact I do not wish to repeat again. I can at least say that this money is part of job earnings and not a dip into any money that was received off of life insurance, although it does negate a large section of my working time.

I think I am going to write a play about it, like how people talk out problems, I usually write them out, hopefully in an interesting way. Gamblor! As well as it's sequel Gamblor!: The Musical! will obviously be hits.

Gambling is a serious problem, and one that runs in my family along with drinking, smoking, drugs, and anything else that is bad for you. I have had dips into some of these (I like cigars, drink too much sometimes, but don't do drugs) and have learned much, this was the first time in my life I let gambling be anything more than entertainment, and it took losing big and losing my cool to realize it.

So I Sean McQuillan vow not to problem gamble, if I choose to do so, with friends or in tournaments, and never with money I cannot afford. It is easier to say then do, but I think writing a play about gambling addiction will help me get some of the thoughts out of my mind and body and onto paper and out of my system.

I am still learning lots while I am young and stupid, better now then later.

Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-06-05T16:30:00.002-06:00

Westward,

and coastward I go. So I a moving to Vancouver this fall, I always wanted to be moving and getting out but it is fantastic to actually have a legitimate excuse to do so - more school.

I figure I should finish this first degree (and I will) as soon as I can, but it looks like it will have to wait till next spring/summer since I will be doing Studio 58 in Vancouver. I love the city, I have had great times there, and it will be interesting to be completely on my own. I have help moving, and I have some help house hunting, but as of yet I still need a place to live once I am there.

Until then - Rubaboo is in a week! I think things are coming along but it feels as if stuff is still not quite happening, I think it's a lack of communication but I have no idea how to fix it all up. Some meetings this weekend may be necessary.

David should have me a script (CMON ALREADY) soon, and then we can start work on his one man show for the fringe, also I should be receiving a form of rehearsal schedule for Berlin Blues so I know what the hell is going on.

Canada Day is a ways way but I am still trying to decide between staying home or going to Ottawa, could go well either way.

Got lots to work on - Wish me luck!

Sean.

2009-05-15T02:21:00.002-06:00

Once,

more with feeling. I love little overused phrases.

So yesterday was good for me in many ways. I let out a lot more as the day progressed about all the tension I have kept up then I have in a long time. I am happy, but I am different. I don't know if it's a bad different, actually I am sure it is a good different - just adjusting to it is something that will take some time. I am thankful to everyone who has been a part of my life, I am still learning from each of you and I am fortunate that many of those around me are as good as they are. I still have much to reconnect with, but I have a mini-vacation next week in Vancouver, maybe that will clear some things up.

Rubaboo is under way, I am a tad behind in its work but I am actually getting really excited as things are coming under way. I need to get in the venue asap and workout some more people that will join in on the project but overall this is a good experience.

David should be done the script soon, which is good because I have until Sunday to fill out the tech form for the show: Second-Hand Sneakers & The Hundred Kilometer Hump.

I am actually interested to hear back from some schools, I need to figure out what I am doing with myself next year... I have much I wish to do. As always Wish me Luck.

Sean.

2009-04-23T13:40:00.002-06:00

The,

smell of coffee and the sound of Opera go beautifully together. I have seen some Opera before and I have to say, nothing is quite like watching it being performed 5 feet in front of you. Directing Opera is completely different as well, a lot of crowd control and "because I say you should" going on but hopefully never without good reason. La Traviata's preview is tonight, opening on Saturday; along with that is Stray's opening tomorrow and much work for Rubaboo. So I find myself practically swamped until May - yet I find myself very happy. Aside from the usual cold and the lack of sleep I am doing almost unusually well, and I really want to keep on doing lots of work. I am far behind though in much, Monday's audition being one of them (haven't even started prep) - yet at the same time I am not afraid or worried.

I am more confident in myself and my abilities and if I don't get everything perfect now... it doesn't matter so much, I have many ways to reach a goal there should be no reason to stress or let myself get strung out. I feel very chill and at the same time motivated - it is a balance that I don't think I have experienced in a long time.

I also started a twitter - just to see if it's worth it. So far I deem it entertaining but overall useless (at least until I get a bajillion followers) http://twitter.com/luckysean

Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-04-02T00:46:00.002-06:00

April,

Fool. Well now it is technically April 2nd and it took me most of the day to realize that it was in fact April and even longer that it was April Fools. Some good jokes, no pranks, that's past me. Lots of things are, I have had an interesting past week. I went to Vegas - whoo - and spent a couple days on a boat Ala The Lonely Island. It was a nice vacation, I relaxed, I partied, I unwound, and most of all I just realized that I can live and survive anywhere in this world just as who I am as a person alone. I would for sure love to go back to Vegas, and I for sure will be doing far far more traveling in the future - I would like to see a majority of the world.

It was good to return to Edmonton, but I don't know if it is my home anymore, I don't know if I have a real home anymore and I am ok with that. I am thankful for the family I do have however and am sure that no matter what happens they are there for me. I am not afraid however of being on my own and making my own way - I in fact plan on doing such in the near future.

I am thankfully getting back into theatre, in many many ways. Directing, working on collaborations, and being asked to act in a few productions, it just feels good again... and yet it feels better.

I am more honest now in the past three months with perfect strangers then I was with the people closest to me. I have nothing to hide, I don't care if I am perfect, and I don't have to impress anyone. I just can be, I can experience, I can live. I truly wish I was here earlier in life especially before the bad experiences of the previous months, however if not for them I do not know if I would be in this place.

I feel recharged. I feel empowered. I know I can accomplish tasks now that before would seem daunting or impossible. Instead I look forward to challenges, I look forward to writing and using my time to get things done. I am not fully there but slowly I see myself becoming more connected to my art, to becoming more devoted and allowing it to absorb a large portion of my life. It will not be easy but it is what I want, and I will succeed within it.

To those who knew me before and those who know me anew now, speak with me, learn of this change and learn who I really am. It isn't perfect but it is good, and it will get better. I have much to do and will be updating it again. I feel great, but nothing is ever easy so as always... Wish me Luck.

Sean.

2009-02-05T21:04:00.002-07:00

One,

Hundred posts, and nearly nine hundred days of my life are catalogued here. Looking back on the past 99 posts has brought back many memories.

I was called Satan by a professor that I now admire and am thankful to for giving me a swift kick in the ass.

I talked about how in theatre one must be broken down first to be able to achieve the ability to properly express ones emotions, and now having been through so much only now am I getting that.

I had reached the halfway point in 2007, that is nearly two years ago, and only now am I writing more often and frequently again.

I had my first running away from a fight.

I ran in an election.

I did over a dozen shows.

I dated Tara.

My mother got sick.

I became someone different. Someone who wasn't entirely there, and only reflected a shell of who I am as a person. This led to months of floating in what was more than likely self pity.

Then my mother passed away.

It's still fresh and still lingers in my mind. Yet it combined with many things has forced me awake in a way I never thought I would have to endure. I don't know what was going on through my mind or if anything was at all during the months leading to my mothers passing, but now looking back I have learned and experienced much from it.

I have been broken down, like a good acting program life has been able to break me down emotionally. I have gone through more emotions in the past two months then I probably have in my entire life. The most interesting thing from all this, is that it is good.

I know I don't have to be perfect, I have told people my honest opinions far more lately, and I don't take shit from those who have for so long attempted to walk over me. I can say peoples faults, knowing them and naming them does not make me a bad person, it only makes me aware, and allowes me to fix whatever problems arise from this.

I can be selfish, I for so long have worried so much for others that it has caused me to lash out in strange ways. I am allowed to think about what is best for me and do it, not by stepping over others, but by taking into consideration what is best for me before another.

Everything is a section of time. This past year was a section of time where I became something that wasn't completely who I am as a person. I let myself use a front to believe that I was whole when the whole time I was hurting, and I didn't know how to express it to anyone, not even those who matter most to me. That section of time has past, and now I am stepping forward into a new one where I take this experience and become anew from it.

I want to go somewhere, somewhere else from this place. Not because I hate it here or that I want to escape. To gain perspective, to find out which of my emotions are true and which are false. I will return occasionally and I will keep in touch with those I care about, but I will go somewhere new and work towards my goals in life.

I will be 23 at the end of this semester, be it with a degree or without. Regardless of any outcome I will continue on and pursue what I want from life. I hope I don't lose in touch with many, as some people here have changed my life and probably will continue to in the future. I do still love people, just now I know that I don't have to love all people all the time.

I will need help, I will need friends, I will need my family. Yet I am now for the first time truly emotionally independent. At first I thought it was that I was emotionally alone, and that was painful to endure. Yet now as I have recollected myself I realize I can be emotionally independent and still rely on others, still seek their advice, compassion and help, without sacrificing my own thoughts and ideas. I don't want to lose anyone important in my life, and I will do so by being there for them when they need it, as that is what true friends do.

I will do some things that are needed by me, I will work on these stupid school projects, I will help with a campaign, I will plan an event here and there. Yet only if I get the resolve to stand up and do things for me. This weekend I will send out many applications, I cannot just not try at all, I need to at least have my doors open. I will go where I want and do what feels right in my life.

I have once again even seen my father, which strangely I haven't talked to since the start of this blog. He is a survivor, and if there is one trait of his I want it is that. I will survive and continue on to make a difference in the world, I will succeed in what I want from life, I will experience life, I will not contentedly stay and life what is laid out for me. I will forge my own path and do something different, just stay in touch, because I never want to lose what I have here as well. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-01-18T21:47:00.003-07:00

Listen,

to your elders. They couldn't be more right. I went for dinner with my grandmother tonight and just talked about everything. It was good. I wasn't ready for a lot of things before it but tonight has prepped me for a lot, even being friends with Tara. Hopefully even to the point where she isn't embarrassed to talk about her shenanigans to me and we can just talk like friends. I am sure that will happen someday and maybe even soon.

You know I realized on my walk home that I have never once in my life opened up to a family member other than my mother, a little to my sister sure but never to anyone outside my immediate circle. I have a good and smart family, with people who surprise surprise have been through similar things in their lives!

I can't talk to a lot of people my age because well... they haven't been through the same shit, but much of my family has. They are going through the same loss and have friends who have gone through it, they have had loves change and transform and have had problems letting go and accepting things. They just have been there and know, so talking to someone like that is very reassuring because it shows how much a part of life it is, and doesn't let me just be alone.

I am opening up more, and I like it. If one thing ever held me back as an actor it was my inability to open up and be just emotionally there. I think I will be able to soon and I can feel the change coming,

Like everything it will take time but I feel good tonight, I feel good today, and I know nothing will change it. Playing a little rockband and the song Float On makes me feel great cause it's true - Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.

We'll all float on...alright.

Wish me Luck

Sean.

2009-01-18T03:41:00.003-07:00

Home,

is where the heart is. So what happens when you realize you have no heart anymore. You have no more connections lasting to anyone left in the world, at least none that can't be easily replaced or forgotten. No one relies on me, and I cannot rely on anyone in a personal manner, and it's so very hard.

I have some good friends and for that I am thankful, but at the moment it just isn't the same.

I have had some homes in my life, places I felt at home, people I felt at home with. I don't have that now. I have a house, a place to live, and that's it.

So without a home do I not have a heart? Have I lost my heart? That invisible bond you can feel stretching from your heart to another only feels like a cut bond, as if I am grasping up for air when I am drowning and not receiving another hand.

I hate I hate being so emotional, but I don't really control how I feel, and mostly it is bad.

I need to become me again just to survive but I am afraid I don't know how anymore.

I feel as if I am but a fleeting moment in peoples lives, and that i make no lasting difference, which at the moment probably isn't far from the truth.

I have always been afraid of death because it means never existing and having your actions all for naught.

But without other people, do I even exist? I feel as if nothing I do matters, not even to me.

Please God help me through this, I still don't know what to do.

Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-01-15T15:22:00.002-07:00

Knowing,

your mistakes sometimes is harder then not knowing them. Not knowing how people view you, and making assumptions for a long period of time, only to find out otherwise is quite disheartening as well.

If I had an option to, I would go back to the way things were in an instant, especially with the knowledge I have now. Yet there is no going back with new knowledge only the ability to go forward.

So how do I go forward?

I think my best option is to make things as good as they can be the way they are. Accept that other people may move onwards in their lives to things past you, not involving you, and treating you like a section of time and nothing more. It's hard to accept that when you are slightly egocentric and wish to think that you make a difference in peoples lives, and even when you do it isn't always good or lasting.

So right now I am trying to reconnect with many things from my past, old friends who I never talk to anymore, and yet I still know I can trust. It's not that I can't let go, it's that I shouldn't have to sever all connections just because situations and time has elapsed - friends are some of the most important things in the world to me, and even if I don't always have them the fact that I have had them is a comfort in itself.

I hope for so many things, yet I don't know how time will change the probability of these hopes. I have promises I have made that I will keep, I have things to discover to allow me to grow into the type of person that people need me to be, and I have goals in my life I wish to accomplish. No matter how much time passes, these things will never change.

For good or for ill I am unhappy, and may continue to be so for some time. I have grown much and realized much from all the hurt that has swarmed over me as of late. It is the combination of environmental factors that have attributed to this, it is no one thing, if it was one thing or the other I could easily handle it, learn from it and regrow from it. Yet it's everything, so I keep getting battered again and again with new problems on top of the ones I am not even close to finish dealing with, and it leaves me bare.

So I exist here as bare individual, shielded but naked. I want to be the person who deserves good things, and I know I can be. It's hard to act accordingly and be yourself when everything keeps slashing at you again and again... but I will, because I should be comfortable with being naked, not just physically but emotionally. To be emotionally naked will be the hardest thing for me in the world, and if I can do it and maintain it I can accomplish anything. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-01-13T10:49:00.002-07:00

No,

regrets. Ok so I have been doing a lot of thinking (as I seem to be doing as of late) and it boils down to a couple things.

One: I have been overly emotional and stupid because of all the problems in my life, it stops because it doesn't get me anywhere.

Two: I have no regrets about my relationships with both my mother and Tara because there were so many good things that I would never trade for anything in the world, that thinking about them in a negative light or feeling regretful is stupid and gets me no where.

Three: I have my whole life ahead of me: ACT LIKE IT.

Four: I can fix the relationships I have screwed up, but only if they want to be fixed, what happens happens.

Five: I will still hurt for a long time but if I am aware of it in a manner that does not allow the hurt to take over all other aspects in my life I will get beyond it and become a better person from it.

There is much more but I am starting a class right now, I think I will write more on this later. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-01-12T22:51:00.003-07:00

So,

what now. I have to finish school, I just have to, I haven't yet added a 5th class and I am going to sit in on 2 on Wednesday so maybe I will find something I can take that isn't too hard. I don't want to finish, I would rather move cities now because being in this one right now reminds me of too many things I don't want to be reminded of at the moment.

I suppose I just have to deal with it, but I want nothing more than to think optimistically, to think in a manner that has a happy ending even if it is far from now. The now sucks though, like really sucks, like I would rather be dead then living it sucks. I will manage though. Mostly because I have no other choice I would take. I am not happy in any way, I get angry very easily, I am burning bridges I never ever in my life would want burned.

This is just one month though, one week, one day, I can get through this. I am not myself yet and god damnit I want to be. The weight of it all however just keeps crashing down and I am having a tough time looking towards the goals I want to achieve. The simple things I really want, and I mean really really really want, I can't have right now - and if I keep things up the way I do I may never be able to. I have to get back into at least the facade of that stupid confident and cocky Sean cause at least he won't be writing everything down like some pathetic little emo kid.

All I have now is my greatest enemy: Time. Time that I hate because it reminds me of my mortality, time that I despise because it prevents me from living countless possibilities, but time is my only option because it is said to heal all wounds. Well I doubt it will, but it will allow me to at least repair enough to become me again... I hope. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-01-12T01:21:00.002-07:00

Rough,

couple of days but I saw a play so it was nice. Clearing out my possesions isn't fun, realizing things aren't as they once were isn't fun. I want things to be good again somehow, even if it takes years. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-01-12T00:42:00.004-07:00

2009-01-10T02:00:00.004-07:00

forgot what it's like to not drink on whyte heh. It's kinda nice and strangely irritating, but if you are in the right setting and with the right people it's not bad at all. So I started a 90 day workout plan this last week and now having finished day 5 I can say it is kicking my ass, however I can also say I love it, this energy and definition I am already getting is worth it. So I plan on sticking it through, and along with those 90 days I plan not to drink, with only exceptions being reading week and formal - yet even then only a little.

It's nice but I am starting to realize much more about the people around me. Mark or Props is pissing a lot of people off, and I wonder if I should have I'm removed from his positions because of his ineptitude at completing tasks and leading by example. It's especially tough because he has been really good to me personally as of late but still it's no excuse for being a prick all the time to everyone else.

That aside I am sort of enjoying my classes and have found out that I need to add one more class to my term in order to get my degree, I swore I had enough but I suppose I miscalculated something. So I need to decide now this weekend so I can go to it on Monday... only problem is quite honestly I don't have enough money to pay for the course, heck I'm worried about rent, and I am unsure of what to do. I have some options but I don't know what to look into just yet, I will first wait and see what's happening with my mothers possessions first cause it may just come down to that.

I got asked tonight "how is the single life" to which I could only reply "meh." I honestly don't care about anything in that department at the moment, and can only look at it as another form of loneliness that I have been feeling as of late. It's hard but the best thing I can do is not thing about it and escape because I am not happy at all with anything involving that and it just makes me feel worse. How some people behave around me now I actually find disgusting, some people who I thought were you know friends, are acting as if they either need to be on one side or another and I don't want that at all. There are no sides, it's just so stupid. Bah but what do I know.

I have a lot to focus on but right now I am really distracted, I hope working out and getting into my school work will help, but my ability to care and feel passion is damaged. Something I have always taken such pride in seems to have broke into pieces and I am unsure how to repair it. Perhaps in time I will get the hang of it again... but I don't want time, I want answers. I wonder where I can find them... Wish me luck.

Sean.

2009-01-06T20:09:00.002-07:00

Je,

ne parlez pais francais. Well not well at least, I have a lot of catch up just to be on the same level as the rest of my class and that is annoying. Along with that some Creative writing, statistics, and my last Drama class at this University - sprinkle some luck and decent grades, and who knows maybe I will come out of this with a degree. Well I can only hope anyways. Strange how my first directing project is to recreate a dream, and the only dream I can think of is the farewell I had to my mother. I may just do it anyways.

Ski trip was actually quite a lot of fun. I was there for the right reasons, I just wanted to spend time with friends and leave town for a while. I didn't wanna get stupid drunk every night, I definitely didn't want to pick up anyone, and so I just had a great time relaxing and talking to some interesting people. New Years Eve was a bitch and I did get a little drunk that night, which was quite evident with the depression and crying I was told I had done, but hell it was bound to all come out again sometime, it will again too I am sure.

So I pretty much am done with all extra curricular, I don't want anything to do with the greek community as a whole, in fact I almost would resign but there really isn't too much left for me to do. I will carry out whatever leftover duties I have for the semester and then after that gladly walk away forever - maybe visiting in a few years when I am lest detestful towards everyone. The drama department is almost done for me too which is a blessing, escaping that hell hole is something I have needed for a long time.

Despite all that I am having some difficulty to get into the swing of prepping my school applications which I can't wait much longer on, in fact I have to finish them next week as far as I am concerned. Juggling the small pieces of my finances is hell, but I will survive somehow only because I have to.

I am having a lot of trouble looking forward to somethings in the future, I am sadly concentrating a lot on what I have lost in the past month. This loneliness is killing me in ways I never knew it could, and now I understand why some peoples worst fears in life is being alone. Cause I am alone now in many many ways. I do have friends, but quite honestly I was with Tara for several years and never could fully open up to her as much as I should have, how on earth can I open up to my friends who I don't trust or know nearly as well? Even some of my best friends I just don't spend enough time with to be able to really express what goes on in my head and life, so I am in quite a pile of shit.

I'm not... I'm not giving up though. I just need to find some happiness, at this point nearly anything will do. I just really really want to be happy again somehow. Something tells me though I won't find even small bits of it for quite some time. Probably because I don't like people anymore, I used to pride myself on loving people, but at the moment I think people suck, and I can't trust or care for anyone. Maybe it is all just a visceral reaction to the pain of death, but I know some of it has to do with other things as well.

It's just the second day back though, and I am not participating in life or things I normally do so everything is out of wack for me. It's good though cause I shouldn't keep busy just for keeping busy's sake. I have much I need to do for me. I hope I can get it done.

What's next? Who knows, I'm just gonna try to make it by without the world hating me as much as I hate it right now. Wish me luck.

2008-12-16T02:09:00.003-07:00

One,

more word. It isn't a last word I promise you, I will write about you again mom, I will remember you forever and never let the bad times cloud the good.

So I have been saying goodbye now for a while, letting you know I will love you forever, making sure you know that you have done good in this world by bringing me and my sister into it. What I learn about myself here is frightening and comforting at the same time. When I saw lying there, I literally went on my knees and prayed, you have gone through so much there is no damn way that if there is a God should he ever EVER deny you peace. You have done so much, you deserve a rest that allows you to know the comfort of those you love forever.

I promise that I will be the son you have always known and do some good in this world, that I will listen to the advice you have given me and always think about what you would say given a situation. I pray that if you are somewhere else that you watch over me, because I do still need you, I have realized my love for you was so much that I could never put it into words. You are my mother, I promise to tell stories about you, the good ones that will make everyone laugh. I promise to never ever ever forget you, and that I will love you forever even when my own time comes.

Some people argue about the existence of a soul, I could feel your strength and passion within you until the end. The cold body I placed my lips on did not have that same feeling, and so I know without a doubt there is something there, a soul, that you have and that it is elsewhere, hopefully in great rest.

You watched over me every day I was alive, you were there when I needed and yet still gave me room to grow into my own person. When I was sick you came to comfort me and let me know I would not die because I was strong, strong like you. So now after all you have been through it is a blessing to know you went peacefully, to know you had no great disturbance in your heart and mind as you left this world. As you enter that undiscovered country please mom, please feel no regret, you have never illed anyone enough in your life to ever need to feel regret. You were not perfect but you have always fought for what you believe in and for those you love.

You were always afraid of being alone, but I tell you now you have never been alone. You have always been within each of our hearts and are still now. You haven't gone anywhere. You live within me and those who love you, and we will continue to love you and remember the joys and tribulations we have experienced with you. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. No matter what problems may have happened between you and I or anyone else all that matters is that in the end you are a good person and you have done so much for everyone you know. I have never wished for another mother, I will never wish for another mother, you are my mommy and I love you.

I know now that even when things are their worst, when I feel alone, unloved, and forgotten. I still have you. You will always always be there in my heart. For that mom, I thank you. Please be happy, be proud, be at rest. You deserve it. Forever your son.

Sean.

2008-12-11T22:49:00.002-07:00

Only,

for now. I learned some great lessons last year that I never quite fully took into my heart. I have never known fully how to deal, how to express my emotions, I have always and often kept them in; turning things into shame, guilt, depression, which obviously spiralled into poorer and poorer decisions. I know that I must always be to true, but that goes beyond just the truth. It was put to me to just "be," and Tara of course was right. If I can just "be" I can accept everything including the mistakes and make steps to fix them. In retrospect despite my poor decisions, I haven't done anything that should make me want to die, make me want to fall into a complete obsession with depression that I can't or want to get out of, yet of course that is exactly what happened. There are people in my life who love me, who will always love me, no matter what happens. My friends and family, will always be there, even though I want to push them away and be on my own I have to just be able to accept their help, to let them into what I think and how I feel. Only then can I improve, learn from my mistakes, and become the person I want to be.

I am going through a lot right now. More importantly though I am learning a lot right now. About me, about those around me, and about action and reaction. I am blessed beyond belief to know the people I do in my life, and in many ways I have taken that for granted. So how do I fix this?

I be me. I talked about becoming me, but that is just bullshit. I am me, I just need to accept it and mould it as I see fit. There is no Pokemon transformation or great epiphany that will strike me. No. I just have to accept and move on and forward, only then can I rebuild and make stronger what I had before.

Where it will take me I don't know. I do know that I will want those in my life that care for me to stay in my life. Instead of pushing away and shunning, I will talk, I will listen, I will be a friend back.

Much of my life I have existed as a facade, always becoming what I want to be, but through acting. Instead I will just be, and work on the me by learning, accepting, and deciding. I have always had trouble making decisions, well fuck that cause here is one: I decide that I will be myself unapologetic, just like my mother. I decide I will learn from my mistakes to show the ones I love how much I love them. I will become a better man. Kappa Sigma always talks about becoming a better man, but it's not just by acting like one, it's from learning from your mistakes and being one.

Thank you Tara for letting me realize this, you have helped me more than you can ever know. I pray that I can somehow repay this debt, and even if I cannot I will always just be available to help you if you ever need it. I know I have hurt you and I am sorry, I know this sucks and it does, but... I will do everything in my power to make things alright again. Even if that means staying away. I am so excited to see who you too become, because you are helping me realize that I can just be me. Thank you.

Now for a few other last things, I have a final tomorrow, I have Christmas, and I have the rest of my life. The online application for NTS just opened so I should fill that out, I also should look into other optional programs and funding that I can receive. I need to re-read Someone Who'll Watch Over Me, to see if it's what I want for the Fringe. I also need to choose monologues this weekend so I can work on them over break.

There is much to do but I will take it one day at a time. I still have much to deal with, but I think everything will be OK. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2008-12-10T21:51:00.003-07:00

Fare,

well. Even though you aren't gone, I have finally accepted it. Seeing you in that pain made me want to help you never to feel it again, and now as you lie sleeping I pray that your dreams are peaceful and happy. They say in that great sleep what dreams may come, but I believe it is then that your dreams only truly begin, what you experience now in your life lead up to the moment when you can dream into an existence that is far different from our own, an existence of memories and love. I pray that you always know that you are loved, I saw my sister today, one who fought with you more than any other, pour out her heart with love for you unending. As I sit here remembering all the good, I too can say nothing but my love for you unending. You always said your greatest accomplishment was your children, and as your child I dream to make you proud. So as you dream of me, I will make those dreams a reality and live to honour you for all time mother. You have suffered so much in this world, you more than anyone else I know deserve a rest. I love you, I will always love you, and I will live on with your memory close to my heart.

As for the rest of me; I am alone, but I have the love of many who will be there for me. So in some ways I'm not, but for my journey, I now am alone. I am OK with that though. Maybe someday again I will be with someone and they can share in my life, but not now, maybe not for a long long time. I yearn for Tara because I love her, maybe I will always love her. Now though when we are apart though I must become myself again. I will do things I will regret, I will make decisions I am unhappy with, I will learn of things I don't really want to know. Yet I will step beyond that, there are separations in life and one I have learned about is love. Love transcends all actions, all mistakes. So when I am ready to have love again, whatever I have done will mean nothing, only what will matter is the love in my heart.

So now for the big decisions, do I move, and where? Is it running away, or is it exploring anew? Do I beg for love now, or wait? Do I accept being an orphan or look for my father?

My mind races with a thousand thoughts, countless other worlds of possibility. Yet now I just want to think about the love I have had in my life and cherish it. I will take things one step at a time and deal with these decision as I see fit. None of this is set in stone, things can always change, if I need them to they will. I am ready to passionately explore what I want from life, and I am ready to make some good happen again.

But now... I will wait, I will love, and I will carry on. This is just the first step into once again becoming Sean.

Wish me luck.

Sean.

2008-12-10T11:35:00.004-07:00

Strange,

dream. For some reason in this dream they gave my mother a shot that allowed her to get out of bed and move around for one day. She wasn't mentally completely there and extremely childlike so she didn't speak much, but I suppose that's how dreams go. We went on an adventure, we explored some gothic church or building and everyone my mother has ever known came throughout the dream to visit and talk to her. Yet throughout this she would always playfully come to me and wanna explore more and have fun, she said sorry a bit when I was thinking about bad things, and constantly said "I love you." to me. Everyone in the dream knew she was going to die, but we all played with her, running around, talking about good memories and all the time constantly smiling. The best part of the dream was how she said as she often did that she was so proud of me, and wanted me to be happy. When I woke up I was so very happy by this, because no matter what happens in the next week, to me that was my last hour with her.

Sean.

2008-12-09T02:59:00.002-07:00

Sleep,

ing in intermittent two hour intervals every 4-6 hours is just messed up. Today I was awake from 12am-4am, then from 6am-11am, then from 1pm-now. I haven't really been able to sleep more than 2-4 hours at a time for quite a few days now, and I really wanna fix it somehow.

I have my first exam on Wednesday, and my last on Friday. I work tomorrow night and on the weekend at least one of the days. So as long as I squeeze in enough review to skim by I will be ok. I just pray that I don't fail anything, I can accept and handle bad marks but if I actually fail a course I'm not sure how I will make it up in the following semester.

I already know next semester is going to go a lot differently, and I am glad for that, the progress of how it's getting there... well that's something different altogether.

So this whole going to the gym thing, I think I like it. It apparently takes 21 days to form a habit, lets see if I can do this.

Greek God went well, despite my total panic, last minute fixing, and uncertainty about attendance. Yet somehow we had 190 people in there (that was counted at the door) and people had fun even if the prizing and winners categories were unclear.

It makes me think - that is not even half my ass, on the level of my ass that is like the hair of a corner of one of the cheeks, (I have a lot of hair on my ass) so what can I do with my full ass? I have never had the opportunity to well use my whole ass in anything, my ass is usually spread between two seats or more and it never quite gets the support or conditioning to allow it to focus on a few specific tasks.

Buttocks metaphor aside, I have to be passionate about things again. I have lost my passion in many things, I miss my passion in so many many things. Maybe just maybe I will get it back with time.

But right now, my ass needs to focus on finals - One cheek per final should do. (I already shaved it for the final papers)

Seriously what is with me talking about my ass?

Wish me luck.

Sean.

2008-12-04T22:44:00.003-07:00

Some,

thing is going on in my head. I'm not entirely sure what it is. There is this kind of slow buzz that drowns out everything around me. I haven't updated this in a long time and I regret it, I miss having this little place to vent and release, a place where I can just write my thoughts as they come to me. I have done a lot of stupid stupid things in my life. This semester of school probably has the majority of them all piled up into one neat little collage.

I haven't seen my mother enough, but thankfully I have seen her very regularly. Her passing is going to be hard, and even if I am not always physically there, I don't think a moment goes by I don't think about her. That woman has played such a large role in my life, and has caused everything from the greatest of admiration to the greatest of pain and anger. Yet that's why I love her, she has never ever apologized for who she is, and God damnit that is something to respect. With all she has been through, she still was her, never a shell or an empty person, she always will be that strong willed mother that even though I fought with, I still always will have love for her. It's so strange because for so long I wanted to be free of her, I wanted to get out on my own and just live life, but because of the manner that its happening it scares me, it leaves me with nothing but myself. I am completely and utterly alone.

Now that's not entirely true. I have many many friends and I am still quite close with my extended family. Yet there is no longer someone in my life to share my little secrets with, someone who I can break down on and get angry with just so I can work out my emotions. I don't even have Tara anymore. I do as a friend. Yet it is different. It is a kind of different that quite literally leaves me in a place where I don't have any lasting attachments to anything in this world.

I completely have no desire for school right now. At least not in its current form. I would love to go to school elsewhere, especially soon, because of everything. The only thing keeping me here this summer is a Fringe slot. Sad but that's all that is. Yet even though I want to run, run far far away, I don't know if I can. I don't know if I'm strong enough anymore.

So this is it, sink or swim. I have to decide to go onward from everything and make decisions that are best for me, best for what I want out of life. Right now though all I want is her, so badly. It is really true that you don't know what you got till its gone. The optimist in me says this is only temporary, and maybe, just maybe it is. I don't know where life is gonna take me though, for all I know I can be hit by a car tomorrow and that's that. I just have been so afraid, I have been afraid to be me, I have been afraid to be unapologetic just like my mother. If there is one thing I want from life its to be like her in that way, it's to not apologize and be who I am. To live my life without shame, to admit my mistakes and still continue strong. Right now I am losing the two people I love most in the world. It breaks my heart so much that I cry every little while. I am not ashamed of this, it means I'm human, and like I've always said I love people.

Yet even though the ones I love most are leaving me, I have to learn from them. I want to be me, unapologetic, just like my mother. As for Tara, I want to find out who that me is, just like she wants to for herself. Doing what's best for me, so that I can find out what I want from the rest of my life.

To say that this hurts doesn't do it justice. Part of me wants to quit everything: school, drama, life itself. The pain is one that brings out a thousand memories of my life: the good times, the bad, the ones that had me in the arms of both of them, and the ones that had me crying over what went wrong. These memories split me into little shards and fragments that make the collection that is me seem like little scenes in a movie, and each one plays again and again just so that I know that I had happiness at one time in my life. A happiness that torments me and makes this even harder. I don't know if I will be whole again, I don't know if I want to be. Like I said to Tara, what is going on is changing me, permanently. There is no going back to the Sean that was, the confident happy cocky Sean that was fun and popular. No. Between my mother and Tara I am hollowed out, I don't know who I am anymore, or what it is I want to be. Maybe that's a good thing, only time will tell.

So here I am. 22. Full of good and bad choices, on the bring of failing out of school, without a care for anything in my own life. Yet I'm hopeful. I don't have grand dreams of my mother getting better, or Tara and I just getting back together lickity split. No. There were problems, and it will take time apart to fix them. I wouldn't want to continue in a manner that made me destroy any fragment of the relationship we once had. No. I am going to continue on, as that is my lot in life. I am going to cry and feel dead inside for a good couple months, especially when my mothers time comes. I can't however let it destroy my life. I have always prided myself in loving life, I have been near death too many times, and I know firsthand that I really can die at anytime, this heart of mine could last another 5 or 50 years I don't know. I do know however that this is only for now. Like in Avenue Q, life may be scary, but its only temporary. As destructive and sad as I feel now, I will go on. I will learn from the ones I love, and treasure my time with them. I will work in the future towards mending the relationships I have destroyed, and I will learn from my mistakes and become a better person, one who is worthy of the love I lost. First. I will be me. I will be Sean McQuillan. I will become who I am. And when I do, I will love myself for it. I will love those who helped me become me again. It will take time. But progress doesn't happen without sacrifice.

Wish Me Luck.

Sean.

For Now:

Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.

Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.

Take a breath,
Look around,

Swallow your pride,

FOr now...

For now...

Nothing lasts,

Life goes on,

Full of surprises.

You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.

You're going to have to make a few compromises...
For now...

For now...

But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!

For now we're healthy.

For now we're employed.

For now we're happy...

If not overjoyed.

And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...

For now...

For now...

For now...

But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!

Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!

Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!

Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!

Each time you smile...

...Only for now

It'll only last a while.

...Only for now

Life may be scary...

...Only for now
But it's only temporary

Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba dum ba-dum
Ba-da da da da
ba-da da-da da da-da
Ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum ba-da
ohhhh-

Everything in life is only for now.

2008-10-05T00:00:00.002-06:00

Hollowed,

Out. I have had an odd day. First I regret not updating this more often, much has happened including a fun trip to Vancouver and UBC as well as deciding to not do any shows for a while and to focus on other aspects of my life. I'll get back to that another day however. First off what is on my mind.

For the sake of personal information I will not name the deed nor give details. However someone in my family has done something very very stupid to themselves which I hoped would never happen. It didn't "completely" happen, but the act of the deed is enough to send me into an outright fury and disheartening. Maybe I am afraid of death, and that's why I don't think I will ever, maybe I just think there are better ways to end things - but hurting yourself in such a manner is mostly just going to hurt everyone around you.

I haven't seen her either. I don't know when I can. I want to, and I don't want to. I feel pity, and I feel anger. These emotions are true and yet I still have been hiding them a lot. I still do the thing in my life that holds me back from becoming a great performer, I don't want to break down... I did, but only a bit. To keep on doing so I suppose is pointless but damn would it feel good about now.

I have work to do tomorrow. I have papers and assignments to finish, and I will, just today was a dead day. I could barely get myself out of my room today and if it weren't for Tara probably wouldn't have at all. I will see her though. This gives me more time. I can't squander or waste it - no matter how upset or how much pain I am in. If I don't I will regret it. So tomorrow I will finish my homework and visit. Even if I don't want to, because doing things you don't want to is the only way to grow. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2008-08-23T20:18:00.002-06:00

In,

one world we made money on Possible Worlds. Heh well it wasn't all that bad - the show was well received and we more than broke even so it was a veritable fringe success. However We were not reviewed by Journal or Sun, we had horrible time slots and ended before the 2nd weekend even though we were not touring, and there were various problems for One World Song as well.

The Edmonton Fringe Festival needs to remember that the artists are their only customers, they work heavily on getting sponsorship and financial backing - which is great because honestly artists can pay for a festival of this size at all. Yet, I just think that the artists voices are being ignored and not taken seriously because it is unorganized and just complaining.

A great idea passed around is that of a artist advisory board, random groups of artists are selected each year just to add in comments on old and new policy - they don't have any "real" decision making power but they are able to cohesively voice the artists concerns. For now however that is just a pipe dream.

I am buying a new computer with michel, almost moved into the new frat house, occasionally looking after my mother, and planning stuff for next year already. I need to think of an idea and write a script for a short, along with prepare a grant possibly for a David Macinnis project of the sort. I had a great time on Possible Worlds, it taught me much of what I want to be doing and what mistakes not to make for the future. Also I think I really really like film. Let's see where this takes me - as always. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2008-05-27T22:47:00.002-06:00

An,

update. So I am doing Possible Worlds in the Fringe this year, I am doing some walterdale show, and I'm working at Workshop West.

Also my mother still has cancer.

It's fricken odd and frustrating and sad how this is now the third time I've gone through the reactions of the SAME PERSON having cancer. Honestly it's nothing like double jeapordy, you do not get to skip it over once it's happened once.

I'm turning 22 in an hour, I have lots on the go, and more and more weird and shitty things keep happening.

Yes I am aware that is life.

But there is so much I want to do, and then so much I should do.

What happens may direct which I do.

And it sucks.

Happy Birthday.

Wish me luck.

Sean.

2008-05-09T10:41:00.001-06:00

Audition,

for me! I need actors and ASAP for the fringe. So email me at luckysean@gmail.com or for the love of god come to FAB 3-121 May 13th between Noon and 5pm. That's all! Wish me luck!

Sean.

2008-04-13T17:35:00.002-06:00

Resolution,

about a few things. One, growing up sucks. Two, your life is never going to be exactly how you imagine it. Three, take it as it comes.

It's been a tough month for many reasons, and perhaps years ago I would lose it and break down and be unsure of how to act. Perhaps years ago I could not fathom consequences to actions. Now I can, now I must.

I don't really mind it though. I am ever changing and much of it is good throughout the bad, I feel as if that because of all the hard stuff that's been coming down I will be able to learn from it and grow up even more.

I just really wish there was a better way of growing up than making mistakes.

Number three however is the most true of all things, take it as it comes. Don't over think, just deal. This way you can be calm, collective, and decide intelligently. If you over think you make rash decisions due to pressure, well that's not for me anymore.

I hope things work out. There's a lot of suck and then there is potential for a lot of good in the near future. All I need is a lot of luck. So please. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2008-04-01T22:13:00.002-06:00

Honesty,

is the best policy. I feel more liberated then ever before, and I feel truth and emotion more than ever before.

I don't know why it was so hard, and it will be a constant struggle for there is no quick fix, but it feels so damn good just to be me. To be honest to myself and those around me.

Instead of hiding shame, admit it and learn from it. I AM NOT A BAD PERSON.

I always thought I was, but I love it when I'm wrong.

Been a real hard day but a real good one in the end.

Sean is becoming better every day that passes by.

Love is one of the ways I have been able to do so, love for myself and others.

Don't forget these lessons, much like those from David - and this is just an extension of one from him. Instead absorb them into yourself, revisit them, continuously practice them.

I know that hard work and consistency bring the best results, so now I will do it for my personality and my life.

Wish me luck.

Sean.

2008-03-26T21:00:00.002-06:00

Un,

sleeping. So I just had an hour and a half nap after about 32 Hours without sleep. The reason for this? My mother is in the hospital, she has a brain tumor lodged between the speech center, the the control of her right side, and the ability to look and listen. It's small and is operable, however due to her history and whatnot they have now decided to wait until Tuesday to operate. This means that she can come home tomorrow and for a couple days so that she may say goodbye.

There technically is only a 5-10% chance of error. She is extremely strong and even more fortunate because it could have been a thousand times worse. Still, this is brain surgery people - shit can go wrong and it frightens me to death.

My relationship with my mother in recent years hasn't been the best, we have fought, been at odds, and generally have not seen eye to eye in about four years. All that meant nothing the instant she was ill - I refused to leave her side, and only now I am not there because I have no choice and they will not let me.

As a child I was often sick, much like my mother is, and much like my mother I often was afraid of death. I cannot deny the countless times she would be there to alleviate any fear or worries I have, to make me comfortable when I was in extreme duress, and how all she had to say was that she loved me to make me feel better.

Now it is my turn. Life is cyclical and I have been doing the same for her. I just pray there was more I could do. If hunting down Hugh Laurie and getting him to play doctor would fix her by damnit that smarmy British bastard would be at my doorstep right now. Since he isn't going to, I have to make due, and I do so by keeping her spirits up and making her laugh.

Mother has been lonely for months, maybe years, we have had words and I am overwhelmed with the positive response and love that is shown for her. She isn't always the most likable person, she is stubborn, loud, and always right, but she has helped people and people can see past that into the great person she is .

I will write more later, I have been in several places in the last 48 hours. This weekend will be tough. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2008-03-18T12:49:00.002-06:00

Perform,

ed. So I have a running theme with my recent posts, this is good - this means I am thinking. Once again another conversation with David and I realize it is a large attribute to what I did wrong in the election. In my normal life I have masks, I have these things that are performed and are not me - in my campaign I was often true but many times I was not, I was just a performed version of myself, which ultimately is suicidal because sincerity cannot be performed.

Sincerity is the essence of all connection, it is how acting is true and not false - just being sincere and finding meaning. Connecting to and traveling through - sending each message from yourself into the souls of others. I often too leave a message arms length outside of my mouth - it hits the air but does not enter the other person I am talking to. No longer will that be. I am thinking these things, I am correcting them. In my acting and even in my life.

So I feel sorry for Tara, because she has received it in harsh and blunt manners, but I can only have a true relationship with her if I am honest with myself. I believe that my wanting to be fully honest and connect fully makes the relationship meaningful and is the core of all meaningful relationships - this is how acting works, with meaningful relationships.

What am I saying, what do I want to get across, why is it important, and who is it to? These are basic, very very basic concepts - but not until you absorb them into yourself and fully understand them do they make sense. I am only really getting that now.

That's how I know I am young, I have been quick to assess that my knowledge OF a topic was enough. Instead I need to know that my understanding and comprehension of all aspects as also made aware. This will change me as a person if I can do it correctly, and change me for the better. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2008-03-17T23:50:00.002-06:00

Give,

and take. An interesting statement was made in class - good acting is far harder than marriage, and marriage is hard. I do believe this to be so - because good acting requires a person to constantly take in energy and give it. While in a relationship, it only needs be done on a moderately regular basis; but even then you don't always do it. I need to remember to do this in my life, this can ensure for one I will have a better relationship and for two, at minimum practice for when I act.

What I am doing in the classroom and theatre is coming back to me, coming back together in my mind and my body - I used to have it to a partial degree but then I lost it entirely. I think losing it was beneficial, because now I can cognitively find it again and thus sequentially again and again. Writing, putting to paper the knowledge I already have allows my mind to burn the knowledge in my patterns of thought and ensure that it doesn't just get tucked away in memory and forgotten. I must never forget this.

Yet even though that aspect of my life is being rediscovered and opened I don't know what is happening with the rest of it. All of my relationships - especially the one with my mother, seem to be at strange strange places. I have fears in all of them, some unfounded, some completely founded - and I feel as if answers in all of them are completely out of my control. Which is true, albeit it makes me feel like shit it is true - what they decide to do for themselves is out of my range of decision making, but by God it frightens me to no end.

I will work on the show and then myself. I just hope myself doesn't become shattered before the end of the show. Wish Me Luck.

Sean.

2008-03-16T18:09:00.002-06:00

Be,

natural. Yes this is something that is often said to folks when they act, and yes I get it, but no I'm not doing it. I understand the concepts of textual rhythm, dramatic pacing, overall meaning, and direct and indirect character connection. Yet right now a large part of me isn't just... doing it. I think this is because in my own life - my day to day life - I act. Not the good kind of acting either ohhh no, the bad kind. The completely false unnatural form of acting that is used to hide emotion instead of letting truth flow out. Why? Because I try to use it as a barrier to not allow my true self come out and instead present the face that people want to see.

But by George it is screwing with the way I work as an actual actor - because part of being an actor (or a good one at least) is to just be fucking naturalistic. Letting your breath flow freely from your lungs instead of forcing it out, speaking with complete ernesty, and following your characters natural rhythm of speech. So I know this, and I can tell as a director when actors are not doing it, so why cannot I let myself do the same?

Part I attribute to my own life - I am stressed, I am doing much that separates me from the actual action of the given play and I currently am not emotionally invested in the parts I am currently doing. So God damnit I should be, what the hell is wrong with me right now? LEAVE the emotion at the door, LEAVE the world outside, and CREATE your own personal reality for your character. I KNOW THIS, I HAVE DONE THIS. So why am I not right now?

It's tough, because there is a place for "acting" acting. I know I do not want that for me though. So the next best thing to do is to just reassess all my knowledge about the theatre: writing, acting, and directing. Let these things be RELEARNED and REWORKED, I have this horrible habit of saying "Oh I know that" or "Oh I've done that" - but even when it is true I need to know that I have never, ever, perfected it and nor will I.

So; LOOK BACK AT THE SCRIPT EVEN THIS LATE IN THE GAME. It is not a mark of fucking shame like part of me thinks it is - NO! It is ensuring that I take all of my theoretical and practical knowledge and consciously apply it to my work consistently so that it comes out naturally. Refreshing and invigorating each performance so that it doesn't become stale.

I will have this struggle my whole life. This I know. Yet even though I know it - I need to remember to accept it, and by accepting it I will constantly work to improve myself.

Life is not High School, you cannot just let it go by you as something you did. It is something you must constantly DO. DOING is where I need help, so I will constantly ensure that I do all I can in the future, collecting all my learning from all my teachers and applying the lessons that matter consistently.

Just because I know something doesn't mean I will do it. I want to make sure that I do - only then can I improve. Wish Me Luck.

Sean.

2008-03-07T09:34:00.002-07:00

What's,

Next? So I had a great run, I got second in the election for VP Student Life. Now I have a decision, do I want to become Associate VPSL or should I just do more theatre and then graduate?

I am twenty one, soon to be twenty two. Do I want to be twenty four by the time I'm done my degree? If I finish next year I will be twenty three, maybe I will go to an acting school for another three years and then I will be twenty six by the time I'm done. I really don't know what to do. Maybe I'll just finish and go work, maybe I'll go to school forever :S - The big thing is I am in debt, a lot. Aside from making a difference I wouldn't mind having a paying job while doing school and taking a chunk out of my debt. I'm not sure.

I think I have to do what matters to me most, and at this point I still believe that is theatre and film. I can do other work, but I don't think I want to. I still have so much to learn and I will be learning forever and that that in itself makes me want to do it - I want to learn forever.

First I should just focus on not failing after the lack of effort I have placed in my studies because of the campaign.

Do I want to run again in the future? I know how I would do it again if I did, and it would be phenomenal. Then I just have to ask myself should I run for president?

I have some time to decide many things, we'll see what I do. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2008-01-27T03:43:00.001-07:00

Patrol,

and no this isn't about Snow Patrol that I am directing that will be up February 12-16. Instead this is about why I just finished running home; so here I am at Steel Wheels after work, I'm tired and just want some pizza. This jackass who well seemed harmless enough was being a prick, talking to phil's wife about "hey do you guys live here?" I told him - "No of course they don't, don't be rude." and then I walked out and headed towards home. Go figure him and 3 other friends of his decide to follow me and start yelling "Fag" and begin taunting and whatnot. I keep up a solid pace and just told them I didn't mean to insult them and just wanted to go home without being followed. Well it was clear they all had an intention of fighting me, and I thought real hard for second.

Now even though I am out of shape I am confident in my ability as a fighter, I probably would have lost due to the odds but I would have my dignity.

Then I thought - why? Why fight someone just because they want to. You need a reason, a cause, a defense, or even an agreed upon fight. Fighting someone just for the sake of fighting is a surefire way to lose, because there is no drive or passion or reason to its existence.

So I ran. They called me chicken and whatnot, and I smiled as I lightly jogged fast enough to prevent a bunch of drunk idiots from knowing my destination. I am not ashamed of this, in fact preventing the fight from happening is probably the more intelligent and honorable thing to do. If I were to fight them someone could get hurt be it them or me, and to be honest I certainly didn't want it to be me.

I kinda like this story.

But still that was an aside, in everything else - Wish me luck.

Sean.

2007-12-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

Academics,

is doing great. Nice to finally have a GPA that doesn't coincide with a letter saying "Get your marks up or get out." It isn't the highest GPA in the world but it is a real good feeling for me to actually have one that I am proud of, and looking back on the semester I can think of several reasons as to why it has gone up and how I will indeed keep it up for the following semester and year(s?) I have some plays to read, I have some decisions to make, and I have to think of new ideas for work. I have many opportunities coming up and I just have to decide as to which ones I will take advantage of. I have some more presents to purchase but hey I'll make it all work out. As always. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2007-12-07T23:26:00.000-07:00

Heh,

that last post was my 69th. Sigh my brain isn't working as it is that time of year that is finals. Today was a bit of a reprieve as I dressed as Santa for the SU kids Christmas party but it really only delayed work I already should have completed. Complete a late essay tomorrow, begin a final that is due Monday and then one last test on Wednesday. I just got a letter in the mail informing me that the 24 hour playwriting contest is at the beginning of January and not at the end, this is both good and bad as it won't interfere with my rehearsals as much but it does mean that I am busy right off the bat when I return. I have a spot of my own in the fringe and more than likely will be performing in Lester's piece One World Song. There is much ahead and it's that final push before a little bit of rest. I need that rest, and I need some inspiration and health. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2007-11-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

Once,

again I am writing in this thing. Sometimes I really enjoy being sick - it's an opportunity to catch up on things and relive old habits, this being one of them. So nowadays I am busy (as always) it is almost the end of the school year and I have many papers and the final draft of my play due very soon. I know what I want to change in the play to make it decent and I should start that as soon as I can. Aside from that I am in two films this month which both should be fun and I am getting ready for next semester which will be full of new projects and busier then even now.

Next semester I am directing a new works show that was written by one of my classmates, it fortunately is good, and I have a lot I can do with it. Also it will be David Barnets 457 class which will take a lot of my life and additionally Greek week and formals and many other activities that will suck my time and soul. That having been said I also am beginning planning for the summer and next year - with all luck the fringe draws will go well and maybe just maybe I'll run for an executive chair on council. Much ahead. Wish Me Luck.

Sean.

2007-10-20T18:09:00.000-06:00

Catch,

ing up - see instead of doing catch up I did catching up because it's more... well I dunno it's more something! Well got lots to do in the writing department and so I thought I would start here, at least that way I can organize my thoughts and reassess all that is going on. Schools been interesting and for some reason I was just extremely stressed this past while and yet as I type now I think about it and... WHY?! You know I have a pretty damn good hold of things, there is lots to deal with but I have support, I have my friends, Tara, and even to a small extent my family. I am happy, I am happy that yes I am doing things, not all I want to but I will be, I will be doing more of what I want.

Almost done my play, I use the term almost a tad loosely but that's OK I have a few papers and whatnot to get ready as well. Seeing Carmen on Tuesday, which by the way I love my vocal lessons and I actually am learning things about singing and am not in the dark as much as I had thought I may be. I now am IFC president and I should get ready on my action plan for the year, I want to do something with this organization or else why does it even exist in the first place? I need to make myself larger than life again, the strong cocky Sean. It may take a few weeks but come November I will be myself with an edge. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2007-09-15T15:39:00.000-06:00

Head,

space is getting cramped. My thoughts have been clouded as of late, I am unsure of many things in my life. I follow along occasionally on auto-pilot and of course it gets me through but I dunno I really am thinking about just leaving everything behind. Maybe I should have accepted going to Van for this year, but even though I want to leave a large part of me still doesn't want to... well not just yet anyways. I should finish my piece of paper and get my undergraduate degree - I start something I finish it. Yet with all the random occurrences and tasks ahead of me it occasionally feels very suffocating and I feel as if I am not the person I want to be. So how do I become that?

I need to be happy, I need to take away all things that make me unhappy - sadly one of those things is my own mother, but I still can't quite deal with her yet. So what else puts me down? Drinking for one, I think needs to be reduced significantly - no I do not drink that much but when I do it is to excess and that has to stop. Why do I need to get drunk? It isn't a part of me that acts like my mind, it is a part of me that acts rashly and without thought. When I am Sean McQuillan I am a good person, when I am not me, well then I am not always a good person. I feel like I hurt Tara, I know I don't really all too much but I feel like I do - and that in itself is destructive for me. So it's gonna be a lot of little things this year that change me, my working out with friends, writing what I am passionate about, and once again not missing class. I will work hard for myself and others, not destroy my liver and personality, and make sure that I earn the love of those around me.

Today September 15, 2007 I will make a promise, no more lack of thought. If I do something it is because it is a decision, even if stupid ones, when I interact it is with my soul and not just my masks, I will do much to ensure this comes to pass. I love the people around me, and I want the people around me to love me back for me. Thanks for reading and as always. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2007-09-09T15:06:00.000-06:00

Return,

to the UofA season 4 now airing. Hah didn't think I would make it this far with all my academic scares, I'm not out of the woods so to speak but I am doing better and better as time goes on and I might just get this stupid piece of paper. So glad fringe is done but in the first week of school I have been dying of a really really horrible cold, I thought I was dying last night and may have if not for homemade soup and sleeping a lot. This cold has affected everything including an audition for a show that I should have nailed but I was almost unable to stand let alone sing in my condition. Well it may be fate - we'll see what happens because of it. So much to do in these first few weeks, including rushing new Kappa Sigma's - excited for the new crop, all the fella's I've met seem they would kick ass. Found out all my classes contain nothing but writing, writing, and more writing - so I may update this more often when I am taking a break from... well assigned writing at least. Gotta get over this cold and not kicked out of my house so as always - Wish me luck.

Sean.

2007-08-28T14:17:00.000-06:00

What,

a joke. Yet I'm not laughing. Well 5ofakind is done, and thank god it is. Months of work, going into debt and then recieving a pathetic thanks at the end. Well at least I know what to prepare for next year to ensure it doesn't happen again. Still there were many good things about doing the show, and all I can defend is the experience of traveling and doing theatre. Through it I have learned that I want to do that again when the opportunity comes and it may already for next years Fringe.

School starts soon and I can't wait - playwrighting, Shakepseare, shows. It will be a good year, and I believe I will do South Pacific if given a nice role and at least help with Love of the Nightengale for ABBEDAM. Much to do in the coming weeks, I'm gonna go do some work around the house. Wish me luck.

Sean.

2007-07-29T23:33:00.000-06:00

Toonland,

Saskatoonland anyways. Well all finished in Winnipeg, and it went well... alright. It was a great traveling experience and a good traveling show experience, but the show itself needs help. So that's what were doing in Saskatoon, trying some little things to make it better and smoother and it is my hope that these things will test out well and make us good and ready for Edmonton. My travels have been fun and learning to share and not kill anyone I'm traveling with is also fun, but hey I would do it again and most likely will in the future. I miss people back home but I also ultimately have been glad for my time away because it has given me perspective and reassurance on thoughts and emotions.

All my classes are set for first semester of next year, might change a few yet but it seems good. I have to get all that set up and organized when I get back, but I am excited for a few things like playwriting and whatnot. As July comes to a close so do other things among them Harry Potter which I felt could use a little more to it but all in all it was satisfying. I am drained however with the time on the road and I hope that this next fringe is better than our last and the next one is even better. Wish me luck.

Sean.